Content warning: miscarriage
Well anyways… finally made it a little over halfway through the first trimester & it turned into a miscarriage.
Additional backdrop context up to that point: when it happened, I was still in the midst of the double ear infection that just did not want to leave. My GP had prescribed me antibiotic ear drops, but my usual pharmacy had it backordered for at least 3 more weeks. So I had to jump through a lot of hoops to find a pharmacy within a 75 mile radius in stock.
Content warning: miscarriage
Anyways, I remember waking up from a nap on a Friday (I took the day off due to still feeling crappy from the double ear infection) and realizing, “Something’s not quite right”.
So off to the ER we went. They did a bunch of tests, and they said we still had the pregnancy. Phew, 😮💨
a relief.
Content warning: miscarriage
It wasn’t until we got home and looked at the summaries they printed out & gave us, that the numbers from the one test seemed a bit “off” for me being ~7 weeks or so along; the numbers for the one test were at the level one would expect for being ~1 week along in the pregnancy.
Content warning: miscarriage
After doing a lot of reading, my partner and I came to the conclusion that it was likely similar to what is known as a “chemical pregnancy” https://www.webmd.com/baby/what-is-chemical-pregnancy
Content warning: miscarriage
On one hand, it was fascinating to me. Refreshing my memory about oogenesis and whatnot was a nostalgic experience (took IB Biology in high school and also Intro & Advanced Biology back in undergrad). Plus, we’re glad it happened when it did because it would’ve felt worse had a miscarriage happened in 2nd or 3rd trimester.
But, it still sucked because I had already started to strategize & plan things out for a tiny human arriving in April 2025.
So, subconsciously, the month before the “Honestly-Unsurprising-October-Surprise of 2024” happened, I was already in an exhausted place mentally from just that experience alone. Plus the lingering work-related burnout.
But, that’s not all!
Mid-September 2024, my partner found out that the consultant agency the university hired a couple years ago to review & suggest improvements of each department made the recommendation that the consultant agency take over the university’s IT department. Basically, all the IT dept employees would be transferred to the consultant agency & would be employed by that agency but still do the same work for the university 🤨
That was another stressful “can of worms” for us, and for so many of our close colleagues there—colleagues who we both had grown-up alongside over the past 14+ years from being students at the IT Helpdesk many years ago to being professionals today. So many folks there are kind of an extension of our family.
Then, a brief glimmer of respite amongst the “avalanche of weird 💩
” in our lives: my 5 year anniversary at $former_employer came on September 23, 2024. It was a milestone that kept my brain grounded for the most part—a whole half-decade!
It made me reflect on all the awesome people, places, things, and experiences I had connected with along the way in that 5 year journey. So many good people, good memories, good energy, good teams, good experiences that gave me that “warm and fuzzy feeling”.
4 days after my 5 year anniversary, the sea ee oh even reached out to me to congratulate me on the milestone. It was unexpected, but a pleasant gesture.
But, ✨
the universe💫
has almost as twisted of a sense of humor as me 🤣
Because, unbeknownst to me at the time, 4 days after that there was about to be some 💩 about to hit the fan in my own work life.
Silver lining: my partner wasn’t going to be alone in the boat of work chaos? I just didn’t know it at the time
Anyways, in retrospect, talk about some awkward comedic timing amirite? I still can’t stop laughing about it to this day TBH.
Couldn’t have written it better myself, dear universe 🤣🫠
TBH I wasn’t surprised by the layooffs because my spidey-sense about those kinds of things started tingling back sometime in the late spring (if I’ve observed someone long enough—like 5 years—I pick up on things in facial microexpressions, body language, vocal intonations, pitch, speech rate, pauses, filler words, word choice, writing style, etc.).
I even make a remark to a colleague the day before Q4 started—which also happened to be the day before the “big news” to everyone—that I was mentally bracing myself for another wave of layoffs.
It was like I could smell it in the air in the weeks leading up to that day. Though, in retrospect, that might’ve been the mouse nest I later found on New Year’s Eve up in the ceiling of the closet that is in my office 🐭
🤣😬
🙃
🫠
Anyways, so the “avalanche of weird 💩” in our lives of the final third of 2024 continued onward.
It just felt like everything around us was breaking down—the miscarriage, our alma mater deciding to “kinda-sorta” outsource the IT department in a roundabout way & thus leading to chaos in my partner’s work, chaos in my own work, etc.—and how these breakdowns were destabilizing various plans we had set in motion or were on the verge of setting in motion.
Oh, and another backdrop amongst this “avalanche of 💩”: the past year or so my dad has been going through some pretty severe depression himself. The day before my birthday we found out he has chronic micro vascular ischemia 😞
There was also another “avalanche of weird 💩” that happened much earlier in 2024 that went on for months (or, as my brother aptly described it at the time—“a Comedy of Errors”)
And, of course, that all exploded almost all-at-once during a vacation my partner and I took back in March 2024—a vacation we took to spend time with friends, and with a couple of the goals being “getting away from work stress”, “rejuvenation to keep burnout at bay”, and “getting away from family stress”.
Content warning: trauma
Disclaimer: I love my parents dearly. The things I am about to say should in no way be interpreted as me saying that they are bad or anything like that. There is just some generational trauma that stems from all the way back in WWII, and a “perfect storm” of ADHD, depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc. that affect my parents.
*The purpose of me being open about this is to help remove stigma from discussions regarding mental health and things like hoarding.*
Content warning: hoarding
A bit of background: my dad has always had issues with hoarding—likely tied to some trauma he went through earlier in his life with his parents (long story for another day, but both of his parents had terrible PTSD from what they endured during WWII, and some of that trauma eventually manifested into abuse from his dad, instability from his mom, etc.)
My mom tries to keep the hoarding at bay. But, it is tough and it has definitely gotten worse over the past 8-9 years.
Content warning: hoarding
My parents have lived in the same house for the past ~37 years. My dad bought it directly from a former coworker. There was no home inspection. The house was built sometime in the late 1800s.
So, uh. Yeah. A lot of things that were red flags weren’t discovered until years after they moved in.
Such as some bad foundational issues—such as the broken beam that has been there as long as I have been alive apparently 🙃
And the house is quite small.
Content warning: hoarding
My dad intended it to be their “starter home” but, here we are ~37 years later. That is another long story for another day.
Anyways. Eventually my dad decided to run his surveying business from the house. Which, early on, was fine!
But, after many, many years later, there’s a lot of equipment. Plus, so many filing cabinets of surveys he legally has to keep for XYZ amount of time.
Plus, everything else…
Content warning: hoarding
It doesn’t help much that my partner and I live on the other side of the state. If we were in closer proximity, it would probably be much easier for us to help them.
Sure, there’s my older brother & sister nearby them, but my brother had kind of given up at that point, and my sister is in no condition to help my parents due to her health.
Content warning: hoarding
Anyways. Given my improved financial situation since working at $former_employer, over the past 18 months I started to strategize various potential options to pursue to help improve my parents living situation. Most of which would involve moving them up here to this side of the state since we’ve my partner’s immediate family & his extended family here as extra support. Oh, and my mom grew up in this area too and her older sister moved here a couple of yrs ago.
Content warning: hoarding
It would also involve moving my sister up here too, which is a long story for another day.
Anyways! Fast forward to early March 2024.
My partner and I are starting a much-needed vacation with my BFF from high school and her partner. A very much needed break for all of us—from work stuff and family stuff. It started off very refreshing.
Then, on the second day of the vacation, I get a text from my nephew that there was a carbon monoxide leak at my parents house. He got them out of the house, and that the fire department was en route.
Luckily, this was in the early afternoon so everyone was awake and alert to hear the carbon monoxide monitor go off. Definitely glad it didn’t happen in the middle of the night.
Continuing “Natalie in a Nutshell: ‘2024 Was a Dumpster Fire’ Edition” tomorrow. I need sleep.
Some good news for 2025 though: after disassembling the drop ceiling in the closet in my office because of a mouse, we built up an anti-mouse barrier. I also decided to use this as an opportunity to get a very early start on spring cleaning and am 85% of the way through re-assembling my closet & office.
So, yay! 🎉
I’m a tiny step closer to being able to do fun webdev things in my office again.
Alright, continuing this thread with the March 2024 “avalanche of weird 💩” that exploded all at once during what was intended to be a relaxing vacation to get away from it all.
I left off at the text I got from my nephew on the second day of vacation about the carbon monoxide leak.
Content warning: hoarding
Now, mind you, the house by that point was incredibly cramped up. Also since it was the dead of winter not long after some Lake Effect Snow, my dad had been caring for a classroom’s worth of cats in the house. So. Yeah. 😒
The fire department arrived, & they determined the carbon monoxide leak was due to some sort of small, double-paned glass panel on the back of the furnace unit breaking. The fire department turned off the nat gas and whatnot.
We advised my parents to use the electric space heaters for the next few days until we were back home, and we could help them with next steps (e.g., consult with multiple heating companies and determine which has best pricing for the repairs, etc.).
The furnace they had at the time was ~10 or so years old, so (at least in my partner’s mind) it definitely had some life left in it and likely just needed the problematic pieces replaced. We just needed details about the furnace unit, and then we were going to do some research on the parts to determine what to expect pricing-wise for that, and then guesstimate the pricing for labor.
But later that day we found out my dad called the heating company that installed the furnace ~10 years ago (which was fine!)… but then the heating company told him the parts for that particular furnace aren’t made anymore so he would have to purchase a whole new unit.
Commence “The Comedy of Errors” 😬
My parents ended up going through with getting a whole new unit right then and there. Which wasn’t great, because the amount the unit cost could’ve gone towards rent or mortgage for a decent home that is accessible for people with gradually-increasing mobility issues.
Content warning: hoarding
The silver lining is that the ordeal ended up being the catalyst for myself and other family members to really push for certain changes, especially regarding clutter and the number of cats. There has been improvement, but there is still a long way to go.
But, at the time, it still was an inescapable damper that took days to navigate during what was supposed to be a retreat from that kind of stress.
I could talk for days about that ordeal alone, but I won’t do that anymore here. Instead, let me move onto the 💩 that happened the third day of vacation in March 2024!
It was a Tuesday morning. Given all the impromptu family-related stress of the previous day, I intentionally broke my self-imposed LinkedIn ban just to check what interesting Drupal, webtech, edtech, etc. posts my feed might serve up to me. My hope was to find an interesting distraction that I could then let my brain hyperfocus on in the background.
After all, that strategy had worked well for me in the past: I get stressed out about something and it won’t leave my brain, so I hop over to LinkedIn, see an interesting post that someone made, I read it, then go down a rabbit hole learn more about the thing they made, and then—boom!—the thing that my brain was stressed about is practically nowhere to be found.
So, I thought, why wouldn’t that strategy work again this time eh?
Right when the LinkedIn app loaded up, the very first post at the top of my feed was from a coworker. It was an “I’m looking for a new role, I’m open to work” type of post.
Admittedly, something felt odd though. I was intrigued because I thought maybe this coworker had spontaneously rage-quitted or something (which, honestly, I wouldn’t have blamed them one bit).
So, off to Slack I went to go ping them to say “hello!” and catch up
But, their Slack account was deactivated!
It was strange. I thought to myself, “maybe they resigned and today was their last day?”
Still, something seemed a bit off.
So, I went to go ping another coworker on Slack, hoping to check in with them since they had been working with this coworker on a project.
And behold—this other coworker’s Slack account was also deactivated!
“Alright… something is up!” I thought to myself…
(Really need to finish this story about the 2024 “avalanche of weird 💩” that happened in my life and why I’m still stuck in a weird “outta control” ADHD/depressive funk even into 2025)
Anyways, I started pinging other people to try find out WTF was going on, including some folks who were on my team. That’s when I noticed some other folks on my team were deactivated as well.
My brain that moment: Oh shit oh shit oh shit
So, then I decided to ping my manager
Now, for some background context, my manager was in a different timezone than me (Pacific Time versus my Eastern Time). So, my manager wasn’t even awake or online yet when I was seeing all of these things.
If I remember correctly, I think I started the message out with something like “Hey, I don’t know what’s going on since I’m on PTO right now, but in case I get disappeared here is my personal contact info”
IIRC my manager basically responded with a “Wait, what’s going on? I’m just barely getting online. Are you talking about so-and-so’s ‘goodbye’ email to the listserv?”
I responded with something like “I saw that earlier, but <me listing a few people> are suddenly gone on Slack. Even <me listing the 2-3 people from our team whose accounts were marked as deactivated> are gone. And some others have mentioned they’re getting an unexpected 15 minute meeting added to their calendars”
My manager knows I’m a bit of a worry-wart type of person, so they tried to provide some kindness and reassurance.
“Alright, stay calm. I’ve got my routine 1:1 with my own manager shortly, so I’ll try to find out what is going on. Plus, you’re not even supposed to be online right now, go enjoy your vacation and not think about work stuff” was pretty much the reply.
I extended my thanks to them. Then, I followed up with one of my typical attempts at some subtle lightweight dark humor.
Can’t remember exactly how I phrased it, but the gist of it was roughly something like the following:
“Hopefully your usual 1:1 with your manager goes well and it doesn’t turn out to be a meeting that turns into another unwelcome surprise layoff 🤞
”
I think my manager lol’ed at it, and then tried to reassure me again that it’ll likely turn out fine since it’s the usual 15 minute 1:1 they have with their manager.
After that, some 20-30 minutes passed, and then it was about time for their routine 15 minute 1:1 meeting to begin.
Again, me being worry-wart, I hop back into Slack and pull up our Slack conversation, with the hope that I might find out something soon.
Honestly, my hope was to either find out I wouldn’t have to worry about going back once my vacation was done (reminder: I was already quite burnout by this point) or at least find out, generally, what the fuck was going on and why so many talented people were being let go.
… and then my manager sends me a message ~5-10 minutes or so into their 15 minute 1:1 meeting.
“I’m sorry. I got cut”
I can’t tell you how long I was staring at that message in our Slack conversation on my phone. It was almost as if time ceased to exist.
But, I can tell you that I think my face looked like the below still of Joey from Friends the whole entire time. Then I tried to reply and got a “this message could not be sent” sort of error, due to their account being deactivated.
Unbeknownst to either of us when I made that lightweight dark humor joke about their routine 15 minute 1:1 meeting turning into a layoff meeting, I guess, ✨the universe💫 decided to demonstrate it has a very twisted sense of humor.
Either that, or I totally fucking jinxed it with that joke (I really hope that is not my secret superpower).
It felt like one helluva awkward gut punch afterwards though, I swear.
For one thing, my manager and I were in the midst of working on a big project together; in fact, the Friday before I began my PTO, my manager had messaged me with a “hey, when you get back, I found something for $project that I want to show you”.
Also, at least IMO my manager was playing a very important role within $project.
Plus, in a sense I was still basically shadowing my manager to help me learn and master some trickier parts of my new-ish role.
IMO my manager was a very high value/high performing person as well. Very strong keystone in our division’s corner as well.
So, their layoff just did not make any fucking sense to me at all.
At that point, I was so damn jaded, disillusioned, and disappointed. I couldn’t imagine what going back after my PTO would even feel like. I was really hoping I would be next to find out I was being laid off.
Oh, and my plans for that third day of vacation? Completely fucked. 🙃
I basically ended up telling my partner, my BFF from high school, and her partner (the peeps we were vacationing with):
“hey, I think a Titanic hit an iceberg over at my work… I’m gonna hang around my phone a little bit longer in case anything else sinks. Let’s go to <wherever we were planning to go that day> later in the afternoon. And stop by a liquor store too. I need a fucking drink at this point”
Anyways, good thing I stuck around my phone a wee bit longer. Not long after my manager got laid off, I got a surprise calendar notification for a 15 minute meeting with my manager’s manager.
My brain in that moment: PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. 🙏
🙏🙏🤞🤞🤞
Alas, it was just my manager’s manager breaking the news to me that my manager was unfortunately impacted by the recent reorganizational changes.
(I played dumb in that meeting, acting like this was the first time I was hearing about it… even though I already knew because my manager got disappeared during our Slack convo)
My mind was pretty much numb, jaded, disillusioned, disappointed, frustrated, etc. though.
I had a hard time visualizing what life would be like over there once I returned after vacation. I started thinking about “what if I just up and resign?” (my partner ended up talking me out of it much later on when I brought it up)
A bit after that, there was a division all-hands that I decided to attend despite me being on PTO.
I know—I probably should have just stopped right there and move on with my day. Like, fuck ‘em, that place really didn’t deserve anymore free space in my brain that day.
But the silver lining was that this new shitshow was at least making my brain no longer hyperfocus on the other shitshow I was dealing with regarding my parents 🙃🙃🙃🫠🫠🫠
Plus, I was morbidly curious WTF was going on.
But, the combination of those shitshows from March 2024 commenced my transition from “burnout” to “ashes in the wind” where you’re just dead inside and the wind just blows you along. Kinda like a tumbleweed. 🙃
Oh, also an undercurrent that already had me in a weird state by that point was the geopolitical-induced anxiety, disappointment & frustration I had due to my Ukrainian family still dealing with the Russian invasion & still getting bombed at.
So. Yeah! This is “Natalie in a Nutshell: ‘2024 Was a Dumpster Fire’ Edition” where I’ve shared some of the “avalanche of weird 💩” from my life that led me into this strange “outta control” ADHD/depressive funk that I’m still trying to get myself out of.
Sorry this thread is so long, and took many days for me to complete. It took a lot of mental energy to reflect and unpack things to help me understand the why behind “why am I still stuck in this ‘funk’ even in January 2025”.
Strangely enough, I feel a tiny bit better. Speaking about the challenges feels a bit cathartic.
If you made it all the way to the end here, thank you. I deeply appreciate it. 🙏
I owe you a beverage or snack of your choice for taking your time to read this thread about my 2024 & its events that led to this ‘funk’ 😅
.
If you’ll be in Atlanta in March 24-27, I can make that happen. Just find me &tell me “Hey Nat, I spent XYZ of my time reading your thread and got to the end; so you owe me a beer/whiskey/smoothie/water/muffin/cookie/croissant/sushi/whatever”.
Again, thank you.
Cheers! 🍻
Stumbled across a meme that succinctly depicts how I’ve been feeling during this strange “funk”.
It me! 🫣
#Depression #ADHD #Anxiety
Natalie