After all, that strategy had worked well for me in the past: I get stressed out about something and it won’t leave my brain, so I hop over to LinkedIn, see an interesting post that someone made, I read it, then go down a rabbit hole learn more about the thing they made, and then—boom!—the thing that my brain was stressed about is practically nowhere to be found.
So, I thought, why wouldn’t that strategy work again this time eh?
Right when the LinkedIn app loaded up, the very first post at the top of my feed was from a coworker. It was an “I’m looking for a new role, I’m open to work” type of post.
Admittedly, something felt odd though. I was intrigued because I thought maybe this coworker had spontaneously rage-quitted or something (which, honestly, I wouldn’t have blamed them one bit).
So, off to Slack I went to go ping them to say “hello!” and catch up
But, their Slack account was deactivated!
It was strange. I thought to myself, “maybe they resigned and today was their last day?”
Still, something seemed a bit off.
So, I went to go ping another coworker on Slack, hoping to check in with them since they had been working with this coworker on a project.
And behold—this other coworker’s Slack account was also deactivated!
“Alright… something is up!” I thought to myself…
(Really need to finish this story about the 2024 “avalanche of weird 💩
” that happened in my life and why I’m still stuck in a weird “outta control” ADHD/depressive funk even into 2025)
Anyways, I started pinging other people to try find out WTF was going on, including some folks who were on my team. That’s when I noticed some other folks on my team were deactivated as well.
My brain that moment: Oh shit oh shit oh shit
So, then I decided to ping my manager
Now, for some background context, my manager was in a different timezone than me (Pacific Time versus my Eastern Time). So, my manager wasn’t even awake or online yet when I was seeing all of these things.
If I remember correctly, I think I started the message out with something like “Hey, I don’t know what’s going on since I’m on PTO right now, but in case I get disappeared here is my personal contact info”
IIRC my manager basically responded with a “Wait, what’s going on? I’m just barely getting online. Are you talking about so-and-so’s ‘goodbye’ email to the listserv?”
I responded with something like “I saw that earlier, but <me listing a few people> are suddenly gone on Slack. Even <me listing the 2-3 people from our team whose accounts were marked as deactivated> are gone. And some others have mentioned they’re getting an unexpected 15 minute meeting added to their calendars”
My manager knows I’m a bit of a worry-wart type of person, so they tried to provide some kindness and reassurance.
“Alright, stay calm. I’ve got my routine 1:1 with my own manager shortly, so I’ll try to find out what is going on. Plus, you’re not even supposed to be online right now, go enjoy your vacation and not think about work stuff” was pretty much the reply.
I extended my thanks to them. Then, I followed up with one of my typical attempts at some subtle lightweight dark humor.
Can’t remember exactly how I phrased it, but the gist of it was roughly something like the following:
“Hopefully your usual 1:1 with your manager goes well and it doesn’t turn out to be a meeting that turns into another unwelcome surprise layoff 🤞
”
I think my manager lol’ed at it, and then tried to reassure me again that it’ll likely turn out fine since it’s the usual 15 minute 1:1 they have with their manager.
After that, some 20-30 minutes passed, and then it was about time for their routine 15 minute 1:1 meeting to begin.
Again, me being worry-wart, I hop back into Slack and pull up our Slack conversation, with the hope that I might find out something soon.
Honestly, my hope was to either find out I wouldn’t have to worry about going back once my vacation was done (reminder: I was already quite burnout by this point) or at least find out, generally, what the fuck was going on and why so many talented people were being let go.
… and then my manager sends me a message ~5-10 minutes or so into their 15 minute 1:1 meeting.
“I’m sorry. I got cut”
I can’t tell you how long I was staring at that message in our Slack conversation on my phone. It was almost as if time ceased to exist.
But, I can tell you that I think my face looked like the below still of Joey from Friends the whole entire time. Then I tried to reply and got a “this message could not be sent” sort of error, due to their account being deactivated.
Unbeknownst to either of us when I made that lightweight dark humor joke about their routine 15 minute 1:1 meeting turning into a layoff meeting, I guess, ✨
the universe💫
decided to demonstrate it has a very twisted sense of humor.
Either that, or I totally fucking jinxed it with that joke (I really hope that is not my secret superpower).
It felt like one helluva awkward gut punch afterwards though, I swear.
For one thing, my manager and I were in the midst of working on a big project together; in fact, the Friday before I began my PTO, my manager had messaged me with a “hey, when you get back, I found something for $project that I want to show you”.
Also, at least IMO my manager was playing a very important role within $project.
Plus, in a sense I was still basically shadowing my manager to help me learn and master some trickier parts of my new-ish role.
IMO my manager was a very high value/high performing person as well. Very strong keystone in our division’s corner as well.
So, their layoff just did not make any fucking sense to me at all.
At that point, I was so damn jaded, disillusioned, and disappointed. I couldn’t imagine what going back after my PTO would even feel like. I was really hoping I would be next to find out I was being laid off.
Oh, and my plans for that third day of vacation? Completely fucked. 🙃
I basically ended up telling my partner, my BFF from high school, and her partner (the peeps we were vacationing with):
“hey, I think a Titanic hit an iceberg over at my work… I’m gonna hang around my phone a little bit longer in case anything else sinks. Let’s go to <wherever we were planning to go that day> later in the afternoon. And stop by a liquor store too. I need a fucking drink at this point”
Anyways, good thing I stuck around my phone a wee bit longer. Not long after my manager got laid off, I got a surprise calendar notification for a 15 minute meeting with my manager’s manager.
My brain in that moment: PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. 🙏
🙏🙏🤞🤞🤞
Alas, it was just my manager’s manager breaking the news to me that my manager was unfortunately impacted by the recent reorganizational changes.
(I played dumb in that meeting, acting like this was the first time I was hearing about it… even though I already knew because my manager got disappeared during our Slack convo)
My mind was pretty much numb, jaded, disillusioned, disappointed, frustrated, etc. though.
I had a hard time visualizing what life would be like over there once I returned after vacation. I started thinking about “what if I just up and resign?” (my partner ended up talking me out of it much later on when I brought it up)
A bit after that, there was a division all-hands that I decided to attend despite me being on PTO.
I know—I probably should have just stopped right there and move on with my day. Like, fuck ‘em, that place really didn’t deserve anymore free space in my brain that day.
But the silver lining was that this new shitshow was at least making my brain no longer hyperfocus on the other shitshow I was dealing with regarding my parents 🙃🙃🙃🫠
🫠🫠
Plus, I was morbidly curious WTF was going on.
But, the combination of those shitshows from March 2024 commenced my transition from “burnout” to “ashes in the wind” where you’re just dead inside and the wind just blows you along. Kinda like a tumbleweed. 🙃
Oh, also an undercurrent that already had me in a weird state by that point was the geopolitical-induced anxiety, disappointment & frustration I had due to my Ukrainian family still dealing with the Russian invasion & still getting bombed at.
So. Yeah! This is “Natalie in a Nutshell: ‘2024 Was a Dumpster Fire’ Edition” where I’ve shared some of the “avalanche of weird 💩” from my life that led me into this strange “outta control” ADHD/depressive funk that I’m still trying to get myself out of.
Sorry this thread is so long, and took many days for me to complete. It took a lot of mental energy to reflect and unpack things to help me understand the why behind “why am I still stuck in this ‘funk’ even in January 2025”.
Strangely enough, I feel a tiny bit better. Speaking about the challenges feels a bit cathartic.
If you made it all the way to the end here, thank you. I deeply appreciate it. 🙏
I owe you a beverage or snack of your choice for taking your time to read this thread about my 2024 & its events that led to this ‘funk’ 😅
.
If you’ll be in Atlanta in March 24-27, I can make that happen. Just find me &tell me “Hey Nat, I spent XYZ of my time reading your thread and got to the end; so you owe me a beer/whiskey/smoothie/water/muffin/cookie/croissant/sushi/whatever”.
Again, thank you.
Cheers! 🍻
Stumbled across a meme that succinctly depicts how I’ve been feeling during this strange “funk”.
It me! 🫣
#Depression #ADHD #Anxiety
Natalie