Brutkey

Bad Benny
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party

@cainaru@mastodon.social

Everything is going to be OK. None of this is real. Commerce, dieting, celebrities, Amazon, the concept of good and evil. There is only energy and entropy. Nothing we do has any more or less value than the gentle bee or a blade of grass in the morning sunlight. All of the world's of love and pain and hope and horror exist only in our own perceptions, one day to be swept away into oblivion. The very best human being holds no more value to the infinite void than the very worst. Our atrocities are our own. All victories, pyrrhic. Take comfort in the fact that we don't matter. We are matter. All one as we shift in and out of one molecular state to another. I eat the bread. I am the bread. As I was once a field of wheat and also the scuttering mouse. From nothingness we emerged, and to nothingness we shall return. And that, is why I don't think I should have to pay these parking fines, Your Honour.

https://beige.party/@TheBreadmonkey/113064420274677269

Natalie
@cainaru@mastodon.social

If you made it all the way to the end here, thank you. I deeply appreciate it. 🙏

I owe you a beverage or snack of your choice for taking your time to read this thread about my 2024 & its events that led to this ‘funk’ 😅.

If you’ll be in Atlanta in March 24-27, I can make that happen. Just find me &tell me “Hey Nat, I spent XYZ of my time reading your thread and got to the end; so you owe me a beer/whiskey/smoothie/water/muffin/cookie/croissant/sushi/whatever”.

Again, thank you.

Cheers! 🍻

Natalie
@cainaru@mastodon.social

If you made it all the way to the end here, thank you. I deeply appreciate it. 🙏

I owe you a beverage or snack of your choice for taking your time to read this thread about my 2024 & its events that led to this ‘funk’ 😅.

If you’ll be in Atlanta in March 24-27, I can make that happen. Just find me &tell me “Hey Nat, I spent XYZ of my time reading your thread and got to the end; so you owe me a beer/whiskey/smoothie/water/muffin/cookie/croissant/sushi/whatever”.

Again, thank you.

Cheers! 🍻

Natalie
@cainaru@mastodon.social

Sorry this thread is so long, and took many days for me to complete. It took a lot of mental energy to reflect and unpack things to help me understand the why behind “why am I still stuck in this ‘funk’ even in January 2025”.

Strangely enough, I feel a tiny bit better. Speaking about the challenges feels a bit cathartic.

Natalie
@cainaru@mastodon.social

So. Yeah! This is “Natalie in a Nutshell: ‘2024 Was a Dumpster Fire’ Edition” where I’ve shared some of the “avalanche of weird 💩” from my life that led me into this strange “outta control” ADHD/depressive funk that I’m still trying to get myself out of.

Natalie
@cainaru@mastodon.social

But, the combination of those shitshows from March 2024 commenced my transition from “burnout” to “ashes in the wind” where you’re just dead inside and the wind just blows you along. Kinda like a tumbleweed. 🙃

Oh, also an undercurrent that already had me in a weird state by that point was the geopolitical-induced anxiety, disappointment & frustration I had due to my Ukrainian family still dealing with the Russian invasion & still getting bombed at.

Natalie
@cainaru@mastodon.social

A bit after that, there was a division all-hands that I decided to attend despite me being on PTO.

I know—I probably should have just stopped right there and move on with my day. Like, fuck ‘em, that place really didn’t deserve anymore free space in my brain that day.

But the silver lining was that this new shitshow was at least making my brain no longer hyperfocus on the other shitshow I was dealing with regarding my parents 🙃🙃🙃🫠🫠🫠

Plus, I was morbidly curious WTF was going on.

Natalie
@cainaru@mastodon.social

My mind was pretty much numb, jaded, disillusioned, disappointed, frustrated, etc. though.

I had a hard time visualizing what life would be like over there once I returned after vacation. I started thinking about “what if I just up and resign?” (my partner ended up talking me out of it much later on when I brought it up)

Natalie
@cainaru@mastodon.social

Alas, it was just my manager’s manager breaking the news to me that my manager was unfortunately impacted by the recent reorganizational changes.

(I played dumb in that meeting, acting like this was the first time I was hearing about it… even though I already knew because my manager got disappeared during our Slack convo)

Natalie
@cainaru@mastodon.social

Anyways, good thing I stuck around my phone a wee bit longer. Not long after my manager got laid off, I got a surprise calendar notification for a 15 minute meeting with my manager’s manager.

My brain in that moment: PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. PLEASE LET ME BE NEXT. 🙏🙏🙏🤞🤞🤞