Thread | Brutkey

Girl goes in to social situation with plan.

Girl is asked many questions and panics.

Girl leaves situation having done entirely the opposite of the plan.

Girl is confused.

#ActuallyAutistic

ND Dev
@nddev@infosec.space

@aly@mastodon.nz

An old family friend once told us: no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. He's right.

It's not your fault. I've never known a scripted conversation to go the way I'd planned it. It's useful to know what you want before starting a conversation, but no one's going to let you monologue, and no allistic person is going to respond the way you expect.

If you need to communicate more than one point, it can be useful to carry a written list that you can unobtrusively check during the conversation to make sure you've not forgotten anything. Writing it down is better than trying to remember it, because memory fails when you're flustered, and we do fluster easily.

Sometimes, email is a useful alternative. You can take as long as you need to compose your thoughts, and there's no ambiguity about what was said. Obviously, it isn't always appropriate:

"Hi, Sally,

"I've been crazy about you for months. Would you like to go out for coffee? Shall we say 1930 Friday?

"RSVP,

"Bill"

😄

🌱

Alyssa 🏳️‍🌈

@aly@mastodon.nz

@nddev@infosec.space I... Really messed up. 😞

ND Dev
@nddev@infosec.space

@aly@mastodon.nz

I'm really sorry. I know how that feels. Most #ActuallyAutistic people do.

This sounds like a joke, but it isn't: was anyone mauled by a bear?

https://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/foundations/overcoming-social-anxiety

No? Good.

I'm not saying this encounter wasn't painful and embarrassing, maybe even damaging. Maybe you need to repair a relationship. But perhaps there's fault on both sides. Perhaps the other person could have been more gracious, or allowed you more airtime, or shown a bit more patience.

In my experience, confidence, poise and other social skills come with practice. Keep trying. You'll accumulate some bruises, but you'll get better at it, you'll start to enjoy it more, and the bruises will become less frequent and less severe. And you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that you're not alone: everyone messes up sometimes, and the only people who don't realise it are psychopaths.