Fesshole 🧻
@fesshole@mastodon.social
Nipped out of a tedious team meeting to press the caps lock on all the unattended PCs. 11 people had their passwords reset by Tech Support
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
I always need a shit at the same time every day, but I worry that my office colleagues will notice my routine and know when I'm off for a poo. To combat this I deliberately hold in my shit for anywhere between half an hour and 90 minutes, depending on the day. Keep them guessing.
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
We always take a dog crate when we stay at AirBNBs to show the owner that we keep the dogs off the furniture; as soon as the owners leave, the dogs are let loose and invariably end up on the bed.
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
I like to wave my hands at the toaster like a magician & say SHAZAM in the hope the toast will pop up at that exact moment. My success rate isn't great.
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
Started sneaking to the toilets at work to have a crafty puff of a vape despite signs saying sensors are so sensitive even the slightest puff will set them off. I now try everywhere that it says I shouldn't. I've only really got planes to go. Nothing's ever gone off once.
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
At school, the choir mistress insisted that I only mimed because my singing put off the other choristers. At home, my husky lets me sing with her every night. Often, other dogs join us. I have found my choir and it is canine.
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
Once I've done a poo, I stand and watch the poo's get flushed away and imagine them on an adventure on a waterslide to their new life & stand there smiling like a proud parent waving their kid into their first day of school
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
I tell my boss I can't join 9am Zooms because of the school run. My kids are 17 and 20. The school run is me walking to the bakery and eating a croissant in the car.
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
About 10 years ago I found a padlock on the allotment. A few years later I found the key. A few years after that I found a length of chain. Our neighbour has just used all 3 to secure their side alley gate. The sense of vindication I felt when I told my wife was glorious.
Fesshole 🧻@fesshole@mastodon.social
I once lied on a first date and said I loved hiking. Now I'm three years into a relationship where I spend weekends pretending not to want to die on a hill.