Brutkey

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online
Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

I’ve just taken delivery of this rather smashing proof copy of my next book: How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside.

I’ll be heading off on a UK tour with the book this autumn. A full list of where I’ll be this year is here: https://brianbilston.com/events/

Hope to see some of you later in the year.

A pic of the proof copy of my new book ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’.
Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

Poem with a subliminal message.

Resolution   Having failed to keep A new year’s resolution for Pretty much ever, this year I resolve to Play it safe. The trick is to know Your limits. Keep it simple.   Now what I resolve to do is to Eschew a poetic form. Abstain from Writing an acrostic for a whole   Year. A resolution, I think, Easily done. Eminently achievable. A piece of cake. Oh, Rats. Brian Bilston
Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

This year was also the year in which I failed to write a new end-of-the-year poem.

This was the year that was not the year   This was the year that was not the year  I repaired the bathroom tap  and emptied out the kitchen drawer  of a lifetime’s worth of crap.    This was the year that was not the year in which I launched a new career.  A West End hit eluded me  as did Time Person of the Year.    This was the year that was not the year  I became a household name.  Action figures were not sold of me. I wasn’t made a dame.    This was the year that was not the year I spent less time on my phone.  A night of passion did not happen  in a boutique hotel in Rome.    This was the year that was the year  I didn't get that much done – much the same as the year before,  much like the one to come.  Brian Bilston
Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

Here’s a poem called ‘Christmas without you is’.

Christmas without you is                A cracker in need of pulling. A glass of wine that could do with more mulling. A stocking lacking in presents. A champagne cocktail without effervescence. A Santa Claus who doesn’t convince. A deep-filled mince pie with no deep-filled mince. A Wise Man bereft of myrrh (substitute gold or frankincense, if you prefyrrh). A card you've written but forgotten to send. It's A Wonderful Life without the bit at the end. An out-of-tune carol. A big tin of Roses with no Golden Barrel. A Bowie without a Bing. A merrily-on-high dong that’s lost its ding. Mistletoe without a kiss. That's what Christmas without you is.   Brian Bilston
Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

2026 Tour Update: tickets have gone on sale today for Stroud & Worthing. All shows now on sale, except for Warwick.

Might tickets to one of these shows make a suitable Christmas present for someone? It’s not really for me to say, but yes, they would.

The full list is here: https://brianbilston.com/events/

A poster for my Autumn 2026 Tour, ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’. It features me, my late cat and a list of my tour dates: 23-Sep Monmouth 24-Sep Aberystwyth 25-Sep Cardigan 26-Sep Winchester 27-Sep Guildford 30-Sep Harpenden 01-Oct Coventry 02-Oct Darwen 04-Oct Malton 07-Oct Croydon 08-Oct Deal 09-Oct Norwich 10-Oct Colchester 14-Oct Loughborough 15-Oct Manchester 16-Oct Ulverston 21-Oct Kidderminster 22-Oct Glasgow 23-Oct Aberdeen 24-Oct Stirling 28-Oct Stamford 29-Oct Bury St Edmonds 30-Oct Corsham 31-Oct Oxford 04-Nov Worthing 06-Nov Bellaghy 11-Nov Leeds 12-Nov Sunderland 13-Nov Helmsley 14-Nov Pocklington 15-Nov Sheffield 19-Nov Stroud 20-Nov Bridport 21-Nov Exeter 22-Nov Bude 25-Nov Newark 26-Nov Bakewell 27-Nov Chorley 28-Nov Liverpool 30-Nov Bristol 01-Dec Cardiff 04-Dec London
Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

I’m reading some Christmas poems tonight on The Adverb on BBC Radio 4.

But don’t let that put you off, there’s a fabulous line-up of other guests: Jackie Kay, John Hegley and Sam Lee, expertly compered by Testament.

It’ll be on the BBC Sounds app once it’s aired.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m002nl2w

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

This is called ‘Twenty Modern-Day Proverbs’.

Twenty Modern-Day Proverbs   Fake news travels fast. Post in haste, regret immediately. Two’s company, three’s a crowdsourcing campaign. AI for an eye, an untruth for a truth. Beware of geeks bearing gifs. Caesar’s Wi-Fi must be above suspicion. A scrolling phone gathers no moss. Share and share and like. Don’t feed the troll that bites you. Empty influencers make the most noise. Every blog has its day. Blessed are the content creators. There’s a time and podcast for everything. Do not judge clickbait by its cover. A WhatsApp a day keeps your mother at bay. All’s well that trends well. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach a man to phish and you pheed him for a lifetime. Every cloud has a data centre. Spam tomorrow and spam yesterday – and always spam today. The end justifies the memes. Brian Bilston
Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

I got visited by three ghosts last night, who were all experts in English grammar.

Tense Christmas I The Ghost of Christmas Past Perfect Progressive Midnight. Awoken by a ghost. I thought I must be raving. He’d come to me so I could see how badly I’d been behaving. II The Ghost of Christmas Present Perfect Simple Later still, a ghost again: with a much more recent scene. More evidence piling up of how unpleasant I have been. III The Ghost of Christmas Future Unreal Conditional Then, a final ghostly vision – but this one lacked the pain and strife. I saw if I could be a kinder man, I would create a better life. Brian Bilston
Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

Here’s a poem called ‘An Invention of Collective Nouns’.

An Invention of Collective Nouns   A reckoning of spreadsheets. A distraction of smartphones. A prattle of podcasts. A mispronunciation of scones.   A clique of photographers. A heard of precedents. An enjambment of poets. A grope of presidents.   A pile of haemorrhoids. A bunion of personal trainers. A bout of estimations. A condescension of mansplainers.   A stroke of geniuses. A spot of adolescents. An embarrassment of Richards. A collection correction of pedants. Brian Bilston
Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

Here’s a poem which has become trapped in a vicious circus (and other phrases of a similar elk).

To Be Pacific Why do you always go off on a tandem, say goodbye without further adieu? It’s time you climbed down from your pedal stool – this is not a phrase you’re going through,   when antidotal evidence suggests you’ve been three-wheeling right from the start. Or rather, from the gecko, as you might say. You’re always upsetting the apple tart.   Now I’m not saying I’m above approach: it takes two to tangle, I won’t deny it. But when push comes to shovel and all’s set and done, I need rest bite. A little piece of quiet.   I’d love to curl up in the feeble position but you pass me from pillow to post, you see, with your Belgian whistles and semi-skilled milk – they do not pass mustard with me.   I don’t regard you as a social leopard. You’re no escape goat – just a hapless case. But do be aware there may be reaper cushions when you cut off your nose despite your face.   Brian Bilston