Brutkey

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online
Talking Down   After having listened to Richard for twenty-five minutes, Stifling her yawns as he Enlightened Her on the origins Of the term ‘mansplaining’, Lisa was finally able to get a word in Edgeways. Brian Bilston c9b5d346fa8e04ae.jpeg An Attempt to Write an Abecedarian Poem   in Praise of the Dictionary    An unfaltering ability to  Bring clarity to the English language  Constitutes your   Defining quality.  Ever since the day we  First met and I  Giggled at the rude words   Hidden amongst your pages,  I adored you,   Jubilant in the  Knowledge that things were  Looking up. You offered me the  Meaning of life,  Not to mention the meaning of all those  Other words, too.  Perfect at settling Scrabble board  Quarrels, your judgement  Reigns supreme. I  Sift you daily, panning for words in  The hope of penning the   Ultimate – the greatest poem this   Vast world has ever seen, but  Whoa, here comes the  X, and oh, alphabet, how could you, I knew  You’d get the better of me  Zooner or later.  Brian Bilston 8955aedb8364a272.jpeg Mnemonic   Thirty days hath September, April, June and November. Unless a leap year is its fate, February hath twenty-eight. All the rest hath three days more, excepting January, which hath six thousand, one hundred and eighty-four. Brian Bilston 28a2e95300d9a067.jpeg The Power of Poetry   with things falling apart and anarchy let loose,   it was only poetry, he found, which had any use,   so he reached for his copy   of The Complete Works of Yeats   and bludgeoned the President of the United States Brian Bilston c0b61f8e636b987e.jpeg My Year in Diets    Veganuary  Fibreuary   Starch  Cakepril  MaycaroniCheese  June&tonic  Julicecream  Augustickytoffeepudding  Septembeer  Octoblerone  Doughvember  Decemburger  Brian Bilston 3400e70197e56644.jpeg My Unbearable Politeness of Being   It's the same dilemma every year, I find, upon meeting a person for the first time, for how long does wishing them a Happy New Year remain de rigueur? Perhaps I blow things out of proportion but I tend to err on the side of caution so I've always Happy New Year-ed until October the Third. Brian Bilston b80011cdc9137602.jpeg A poster for my Autumn 2026 Tour, ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’. It features me, my late cat and a list of my tour dates: 23-Sep Monmouth 24-Sep Aberystwyth 25-Sep Cardigan 26-Sep Winchester 27-Sep Guildford 30-Sep Harpenden 01-Oct Coventry 02-Oct Darwen 04-Oct Malton 07-Oct Croydon 08-Oct Deal 09-Oct Norwich 10-Oct Colchester 14-Oct Loughborough 15-Oct Manchester 16-Oct Ulverston 21-Oct Kidderminster 22-Oct Glasgow 23-Oct Aberdeen 24-Oct Stirling 28-Oct Stamford 29-Oct Bury St Edmonds 30-Oct Corsham 31-Oct Oxford 04-Nov Worthing 06-Nov Bellaghy 11-Nov Leeds 12-Nov Sunderland 13-Nov Helmsley 14-Nov Pocklington 15-Nov Sheffield 19-Nov Stroud 20-Nov Bridport 21-Nov Exeter 22-Nov Bude 25-Nov Newark 26-Nov Bakewell 27-Nov Chorley 28-Nov Liverpool 30-Nov Bristol 01-Dec Cardiff 04-Dec London 22ef8da7c7004137.jpeg Prayer for Uninteresting Times   Send me a slow news day, a quiet, subdued day, in which nothing much happens of note, save for the passing of time, the consumption of wine, and a re-run of Murder, She Wrote. Grant me a no news day, a spare-me-your-views day, in which nothing much happens at all, except a few hours together some regional weather, a day we can barely recall. Brian Bilston df03ea10c3c12777.jpeg New Year Office Chitchat How was your Christmas? you ask and I think of the bloodstained rug and the silent scraping of the spade in the garden at midnight and the wash wash washing of my hands and the dreams, those endless dreams which haunt the night-time and smudge their thumbprints on the day to come and I reply Super, thanks. Yours? 38010f836303521a.jpeg A pic of the proof copy of my new book ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’. f9f21fc6d25f1eed.jpeg