Brutkey

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online
Talking Down
 
After having listened to
Richard for twenty-five minutes,
Stifling her yawns as he
Enlightened
Her on the origins
Of the term ‘mansplaining’,
Lisa was finally able to get a word in
Edgeways.


Brian Bilston c9b5d346fa8e04ae.jpeg An Attempt to Write an Abecedarian Poem  
in Praise of the Dictionary 
 
An unfaltering ability to 
Bring clarity to the English language 
Constitutes your  
Defining quality. 
Ever since the day we 
First met and I 
Giggled at the rude words  
Hidden amongst your pages, 
I adored you,  
Jubilant in the 
Knowledge that things were 
Looking up. You offered me the 
Meaning of life, 
Not to mention the meaning of all those 
Other words, too. 
Perfect at settling Scrabble board 
Quarrels, your judgement 
Reigns supreme. I 
Sift you daily, panning for words in 
The hope of penning the  
Ultimate – the greatest poem this  
Vast world has ever seen, but 
Whoa, here comes the 
X, and oh, alphabet, how could you, I knew 
You’d get the better of me 
Zooner or later. 

Brian Bilston 8955aedb8364a272.jpeg Mnemonic
 
Thirty days hath September,
April, June and November.
Unless a leap year is its fate,
February hath twenty-eight.
All the rest hath three days more,
excepting January,
which hath six thousand,
one hundred and eighty-four.


Brian Bilston
28a2e95300d9a067.jpeg The Power of Poetry
 
with things falling apart
and anarchy let loose,
 
it was only poetry, he found,
which had any use,
 
so he reached for his copy  
of The Complete Works of Yeats
 
and bludgeoned the President
of the United States


Brian Bilston c0b61f8e636b987e.jpeg My Year in Diets 
 
Veganuary 
Fibreuary  
Starch 
Cakepril 
MaycaroniCheese 
June&tonic 
Julicecream 
Augustickytoffeepudding 
Septembeer 
Octoblerone 
Doughvember 
Decemburger 


Brian Bilston 3400e70197e56644.jpeg My Unbearable Politeness of Being
 
It's the same dilemma
every year, I find,
upon meeting a person
for the first time,

for how long
does wishing them
a Happy New Year
remain de rigueur?

Perhaps I blow things
out of proportion
but I tend to err
on the side of caution

so I've always
Happy New Year-ed
until October the Third.

Brian Bilston
b80011cdc9137602.jpeg A poster for my Autumn 2026 Tour, ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’.
It features me, my late cat and a list of my tour dates:
 
23-Sep Monmouth
24-Sep Aberystwyth
25-Sep Cardigan
26-Sep Winchester
27-Sep Guildford
30-Sep Harpenden
01-Oct Coventry
02-Oct Darwen
04-Oct Malton
07-Oct Croydon
08-Oct Deal
09-Oct Norwich
10-Oct Colchester
14-Oct Loughborough
15-Oct Manchester
16-Oct Ulverston
21-Oct Kidderminster
22-Oct Glasgow
23-Oct Aberdeen
24-Oct Stirling
28-Oct Stamford
29-Oct Bury St Edmonds
30-Oct Corsham
31-Oct Oxford
04-Nov Worthing
06-Nov Bellaghy
11-Nov Leeds
12-Nov Sunderland
13-Nov Helmsley
14-Nov Pocklington
15-Nov Sheffield
19-Nov Stroud
20-Nov Bridport
21-Nov Exeter
22-Nov Bude
25-Nov Newark
26-Nov Bakewell
27-Nov Chorley
28-Nov Liverpool
30-Nov Bristol
01-Dec Cardiff
04-Dec London 22ef8da7c7004137.jpeg Prayer for Uninteresting Times
 
Send me a slow news day,
a quiet, subdued day,
in which nothing much happens of note,
save for the passing of time,
the consumption of wine,
and a re-run of Murder, She Wrote.

Grant me a no news day,
a spare-me-your-views day,
in which nothing much happens at all,
except a few hours together
some regional weather,
a day we can barely recall.


Brian Bilston df03ea10c3c12777.jpeg New Year Office Chitchat
 
How was your Christmas?
you ask

and I think 
of the bloodstained rug

and the silent scraping
of the spade

in the garden
at midnight

and the wash wash
washing of my hands

and the dreams,
those endless dreams

which haunt
the night-time

and smudge
their thumbprints

on the day
to come

and I reply
Super, thanks. Yours? 38010f836303521a.jpeg A pic of the proof copy of my new book ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’. f9f21fc6d25f1eed.jpeg