Notes | Brutkey

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

Poem with a subliminal message.

Resolution

Having failed to keep
A new year’s resolution for
Pretty much ever, this year I resolve to
Play it safe. The trick is to know
Your limits. Keep it simple.

Now what I resolve to do is to
Eschew a poetic form. Abstain from
Writing an acrostic for a whole

Year. A resolution, I think,
Easily done. Eminently achievable.
A piece of cake. Oh,
Rats.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

This year was also the year in which I failed to write a new end-of-the-year poem.

This was the year that was not the year

This was the year that was not the year
I repaired the bathroom tap
and emptied out the kitchen drawer
of a lifetime’s worth of crap.

This was the year that was not the year
in which I launched a new career.
A West End hit eluded me
as did Time Person of the Year.

This was the year that was not the year
I became a household name.
Action figures were not sold of me.
I wasn’t made a dame.

This was the year that was not the year
I spent less time on my phone.
A night of passion did not happen
in a boutique hotel in Rome.

This was the year that was the year
I didn't get that much done –
much the same as the year before,
much like the one to come.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

Here’s a poem called ‘Christmas without you is’.

Christmas without you is

A cracker in need of pulling.
A glass of wine that could do with more mulling.
A stocking lacking in presents.
A champagne cocktail without effervescence.
A Santa Claus who doesn’t convince.
A deep-filled mince pie with no deep-filled mince.
A Wise Man bereft of myrrh
(substitute gold or frankincense, if you prefyrrh).
A card you've written but forgotten to send.
It's A Wonderful Life without the bit at the end.
An out-of-tune carol.
A big tin of Roses with no Golden Barrel.
A Bowie without a Bing.
A merrily-on-high dong that’s lost its ding.
Mistletoe without a kiss.
That's what Christmas without you is.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

2026 Tour Update: tickets have gone on sale today for Stroud & Worthing. All shows now on sale, except for Warwick.

Might tickets to one of these shows make a suitable Christmas present for someone? It’s not really for me to say, but yes, they would.

The full list is here: https://brianbilston.com/events/

A poster for my Autumn 2026 Tour, ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’.
It features me, my late cat and a list of my tour dates:

23-Sep Monmouth
24-Sep Aberystwyth
25-Sep Cardigan
26-Sep Winchester
27-Sep Guildford
30-Sep Harpenden
01-Oct Coventry
02-Oct Darwen
04-Oct Malton
07-Oct Croydon
08-Oct Deal
09-Oct Norwich
10-Oct Colchester
14-Oct Loughborough
15-Oct Manchester
16-Oct Ulverston
21-Oct Kidderminster
22-Oct Glasgow
23-Oct Aberdeen
24-Oct Stirling
28-Oct Stamford
29-Oct Bury St Edmonds
30-Oct Corsham
31-Oct Oxford
04-Nov Worthing
06-Nov Bellaghy
11-Nov Leeds
12-Nov Sunderland
13-Nov Helmsley
14-Nov Pocklington
15-Nov Sheffield
19-Nov Stroud
20-Nov Bridport
21-Nov Exeter
22-Nov Bude
25-Nov Newark
26-Nov Bakewell
27-Nov Chorley
28-Nov Liverpool
30-Nov Bristol
01-Dec Cardiff
04-Dec London

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

I’m reading some Christmas poems tonight on The Adverb on BBC Radio 4.

But don’t let that put you off, there’s a fabulous line-up of other guests: Jackie Kay, John Hegley and Sam Lee, expertly compered by Testament.

It’ll be on the BBC Sounds app once it’s aired.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m002nl2w

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

This is called ‘Twenty Modern-Day Proverbs’.

Twenty Modern-Day Proverbs

Fake news travels fast.
Post in haste, regret immediately.
Two’s company, three’s a crowdsourcing campaign.
AI for an eye, an untruth for a truth.
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
Caesar’s Wi-Fi must be above suspicion.
A scrolling phone gathers no moss.
Share and share and like.
Don’t feed the troll that bites you.
Empty influencers make the most noise.
Every blog has its day.
Blessed are the content creators.
There’s a time and podcast for everything.
Do not judge clickbait by its cover.
A WhatsApp a day keeps your mother at bay.
All’s well that trends well.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to phish and you pheed him for a lifetime.
Every cloud has a data centre.
Spam tomorrow and spam yesterday – and always spam today.
The end justifies the memes.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

I got visited by three ghosts last night, who were all experts in English grammar.

Tense Christmas

I The Ghost of Christmas Past Perfect Progressive

Midnight. Awoken by a ghost.
I thought I must be raving.
He’d come to me so I could see
how badly I’d been behaving.

II The Ghost of Christmas Present Perfect Simple

Later still, a ghost again:
with a much more recent scene.
More evidence piling up
of how unpleasant I have been.

III The Ghost of Christmas Future Unreal Conditional

Then, a final ghostly vision –
but this one lacked the pain and strife.
I saw if I could be a kinder man,
I would create a better life.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

Here’s a poem called ‘An Invention of Collective Nouns’.

An Invention of Collective Nouns

A reckoning of spreadsheets.
A distraction of smartphones.
A prattle of podcasts.
A mispronunciation of scones.

A clique of photographers.
A heard of precedents.
An enjambment of
poets. A grope of presidents.

A pile of haemorrhoids.
A bunion of personal trainers.
A bout of estimations.
A condescension of mansplainers.

A stroke of geniuses.
A spot of adolescents.
An embarrassment of Richards.
A collection correction of pedants.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

Here’s a poem which has become trapped in a vicious circus (and other phrases of a similar elk).

To Be Pacific

Why do you always go off on a tandem,
say goodbye without further adieu?
It’s time you climbed down from your pedal stool –
this is not a phrase you’re going through,

when antidotal evidence suggests
you’ve been three-wheeling right from the start.
Or rather, from the gecko, as you might say.
You’re always upsetting the apple tart.

Now I’m not saying I’m above approach:
it takes two to tangle, I won’t deny it.
But when push comes to shovel and all’s set and done,
I need rest bite. A little piece of quiet.

I’d love to curl up in the feeble position
but you pass me from pillow to post, you see,
with your Belgian whistles and semi-skilled milk –
they do not pass mustard with me.

I don’t regard you as a social leopard.
You’re no escape goat – just a hapless case.
But do be aware there may be reaper cushions
when you cut off your nose despite your face.

Brian Bilston

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online

A NEW POETRY SHOW FOR 2026 … HOW TO LAY AN EGG WITH A HORSE INSIDE

I’m heading off on tour next year with a new show, based on my forthcoming book ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’.

The tour starts in Sept. Tickets are now on sale at most venues.

Details here: https://brianbilston.com/events/