Brutkey

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online
Resolution
Ā 
Having failed to keep
A new year’s resolution for
Pretty much ever, this year I resolve to
Play it safe. The trick is to know
Your limits. Keep it simple.
Ā 
Now what I resolve to do is to
Eschew a poetic form. Abstain from
Writing an acrostic for a whole
Ā 
Year. A resolution, I think,
Easily done. Eminently achievable.
A piece of cake. Oh,
Rats.


Brian Bilston
7aaf83bf48fed76f.jpeg This was the year that was not the year
Ā 
This was the year that was not the yearĀ 
I repaired the bathroom tapĀ 
and emptied out the kitchen drawerĀ 
of a lifetime’s worth of crap.Ā 
Ā 
This was the year that was not the year
in which I launched a new career.Ā 
A West End hit eluded meĀ 
as did Time Person of the Year.Ā 
Ā 
This was the year that was not the yearĀ 
I became a household name.Ā 
Action figures were not sold of me.
I wasn’t made a dame.Ā 
Ā 
This was the year that was not the year
I spent less time on my phone.Ā 
A night of passion did not happenĀ 
in a boutique hotel in Rome.Ā 
Ā 
This was the year that was the yearĀ 
I didn't get that much done –
much the same as the year before,Ā 
much like the one to come.Ā 


Brian Bilston a0c920c17fa1edc3.jpeg Christmas without you is
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā 
A cracker in need of pulling.
A glass of wine that could do with more mulling.
A stocking lacking in presents.
A champagne cocktail without effervescence.
A Santa Claus who doesn’t convince.
A deep-filled mince pie with no deep-filled mince.
A Wise Man bereft of myrrh
(substitute gold or frankincense, if you prefyrrh).
A card you've written but forgotten to send.
It's A Wonderful LifeĀ without the bit at the end.
An out-of-tune carol.
A big tin of Roses with no Golden Barrel.
A Bowie without a Bing.
A merrily-on-high dong that’s lost its ding.
Mistletoe without a kiss.
That's what Christmas without you is.
Ā 

Brian Bilston
b515a511911914c3.jpeg A poster for my Autumn 2026 Tour, ā€˜How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’.
It features me, my late cat and a list of my tour dates:
 
23-Sep Monmouth
24-Sep Aberystwyth
25-Sep Cardigan
26-Sep Winchester
27-Sep Guildford
30-Sep Harpenden
01-Oct Coventry
02-Oct Darwen
04-Oct Malton
07-Oct Croydon
08-Oct Deal
09-Oct Norwich
10-Oct Colchester
14-Oct Loughborough
15-Oct Manchester
16-Oct Ulverston
21-Oct Kidderminster
22-Oct Glasgow
23-Oct Aberdeen
24-Oct Stirling
28-Oct Stamford
29-Oct Bury St Edmonds
30-Oct Corsham
31-Oct Oxford
04-Nov Worthing
06-Nov Bellaghy
11-Nov Leeds
12-Nov Sunderland
13-Nov Helmsley
14-Nov Pocklington
15-Nov Sheffield
19-Nov Stroud
20-Nov Bridport
21-Nov Exeter
22-Nov Bude
25-Nov Newark
26-Nov Bakewell
27-Nov Chorley
28-Nov Liverpool
30-Nov Bristol
01-Dec Cardiff
04-Dec London 22ef8da7c7004137.jpeg Twenty Modern-Day Proverbs
Ā 
Fake news travels fast.
Post in haste, regret immediately.
Two’s company, three’s a crowdsourcing campaign.
AI for an eye, an untruth for a truth.
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
Caesar’s Wi-Fi must be above suspicion.
A scrolling phone gathers no moss.
Share and share and like.
Don’t feed the troll that bites you.
Empty influencers make the most noise.
Every blog has its day.
Blessed are the content creators.
There’s a time and podcast for everything.
Do not judge clickbait by its cover.
A WhatsApp a day keeps your mother at bay.
All’s well that trends well.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach a man to phish and you pheed him for a lifetime.
Every cloud has a data centre.
Spam tomorrow and spam yesterday – and always spam today.
The end justifies the memes.

Brian Bilston 01efa813d68b56e7.jpeg Tense Christmas 

I The Ghost of Christmas Past Perfect Progressive

Midnight. Awoken by a ghost.
I thought I must be raving. 
He’d come to me so I could see
how badly I’d been behaving.

II The Ghost of Christmas Present Perfect Simple 

Later still, a ghost again: 
with a much more recent scene. 
More evidence piling up 
of how unpleasant I have been. 

III The Ghost of Christmas Future Unreal Conditional 

Then, a final ghostly vision –
but this one lacked the pain and strife.
I saw if I could be a kinder man, 
I would create a better life.


Brian Bilston
89c34bd99930b5fa.jpeg An Invention of Collective Nouns
Ā 
A reckoning of spreadsheets.
A distraction of smartphones.
A prattle of podcasts.
A mispronunciation of scones.
Ā 
A clique of photographers.
A heard of precedents.
An enjambment of
poets. A grope of presidents.
Ā 
A pile of haemorrhoids.
A bunion of personal trainers.
A bout of estimations.
A condescension of mansplainers.
Ā 
A stroke of geniuses.
A spot of adolescents.
An embarrassment of Richards.
A collection correction of pedants.


Brian Bilston
782c08defd423807.jpeg To Be Pacific

Why do you always go off on a tandem,
say goodbye without further adieu?
It’s time you climbed down from your pedal stool –
this is not a phrase you’re going through,
Ā 
when antidotal evidence suggests
you’ve been three-wheeling right from the start.
Or rather, from the gecko, as you might say.
You’re always upsetting the apple tart.
Ā 
Now I’m not saying I’m above approach:
it takes two to tangle, I won’t deny it.
But when push comes to shovel and all’s set and done,
I need rest bite. A little piece of quiet.
Ā 
I’d love to curl up in the feeble position
but you pass me from pillow to post, you see,
with your Belgian whistles and semi-skilled milk –
they do not pass mustard with me.
Ā 
I don’t regard you as a social leopard.
You’re no escape goat – just a hapless case.
But do be aware there may be reaper cushions
when you cut off your nose despite your face.
Ā 
Brian Bilston f67f246b2744fbe3.jpeg A poster for my Autumn 2026 Tour, ā€˜How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’.
It features me, my late cat and a list of my tour dates:
 
23-Sep Monmouth
24-Sep Aberystwyth
25-Sep Cardigan
26-Sep Winchester
27-Sep Guildford
30-Sep Harpenden
01-Oct Coventry
02-Oct Darwen
04-Oct Malton
07-Oct Croydon
08-Oct Deal
09-Oct Norwich
10-Oct Colchester
14-Oct Loughborough
15-Oct Manchester
16-Oct Ulverston
21-Oct Kidderminster
22-Oct Glasgow
23-Oct Aberdeen
24-Oct Stirling
28-Oct Stamford
29-Oct Bury St Edmonds
30-Oct Corsham
31-Oct Oxford
04-Nov Worthing
06-Nov Bellaghy
11-Nov Leeds
12-Nov Sunderland
13-Nov Helmsley
14-Nov Pocklington
15-Nov Sheffield
19-Nov Stroud
20-Nov Bridport
21-Nov Exeter
22-Nov Bude
25-Nov Newark
26-Nov Bakewell
27-Nov Chorley
28-Nov Liverpool
30-Nov Bristol
01-Dec Cardiff
04-Dec London 22ef8da7c7004137.jpeg This poem is written in the shape of a Christmas tree (well, most of it is) …

Needles

I
wrote
a poem
in the shape
of a Christmas 
tree but then forgot
to water it and only a few
days
later

[but the words beyond this point are scattered around the bottom of the page, like needles which have fallen from a Xmas tree)

there 
were
words
all
over
the
carpet



b45ed88c95587477.jpeg