Brutkey

Brian Bilston
@brianbilston@mastodon.online
Resolution Ā  Having failed to keep A new yearā€™s resolution for Pretty much ever, this year I resolve to Play it safe. The trick is to know Your limits. Keep it simple. Ā  Now what I resolve to do is to Eschew a poetic form. Abstain from Writing an acrostic for a whole Ā  Year. A resolution, I think, Easily done. Eminently achievable. A piece of cake. Oh, Rats. Brian Bilston 7aaf83bf48fed76f.jpeg This was the year that was not the year Ā  This was the year that was not the yearĀ  I repaired the bathroom tapĀ  and emptied out the kitchen drawerĀ  of a lifetimeā€™s worth of crap.Ā  Ā  This was the year that was not the year in which I launched a new career.Ā  A West End hit eluded meĀ  as did Time Person of the Year.Ā  Ā  This was the year that was not the yearĀ  I became a household name.Ā  Action figures were not sold of me. I wasnā€™t made a dame.Ā  Ā  This was the year that was not the year I spent less time on my phone.Ā  A night of passion did not happenĀ  in a boutique hotel in Rome.Ā  Ā  This was the year that was the yearĀ  I didn't get that much doneĀ ā€“ much the same as the year before,Ā  much like the one to come.Ā  Brian Bilston a0c920c17fa1edc3.jpeg Christmas without you is Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā  A cracker in need of pulling. A glass of wine that could do with more mulling. A stocking lacking in presents. A champagne cocktail without effervescence. A Santa Claus who doesnā€™t convince. A deep-filled mince pie with no deep-filled mince. A Wise Man bereft of myrrh (substitute gold or frankincense, if you prefyrrh). A card you've written but forgotten to send. It's A Wonderful LifeĀ without the bit at the end. An out-of-tune carol. A big tin of Roses with no Golden Barrel. A Bowie without a Bing. A merrily-on-high dong thatā€™s lost its ding. Mistletoe without a kiss. That's what Christmas without you is. Ā  Brian Bilston b515a511911914c3.jpeg A poster for my Autumn 2026 Tour, ā€˜How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Insideā€™. It features me, my late cat and a list of my tour dates: 23-Sep Monmouth 24-Sep Aberystwyth 25-Sep Cardigan 26-Sep Winchester 27-Sep Guildford 30-Sep Harpenden 01-Oct Coventry 02-Oct Darwen 04-Oct Malton 07-Oct Croydon 08-Oct Deal 09-Oct Norwich 10-Oct Colchester 14-Oct Loughborough 15-Oct Manchester 16-Oct Ulverston 21-Oct Kidderminster 22-Oct Glasgow 23-Oct Aberdeen 24-Oct Stirling 28-Oct Stamford 29-Oct Bury St Edmonds 30-Oct Corsham 31-Oct Oxford 04-Nov Worthing 06-Nov Bellaghy 11-Nov Leeds 12-Nov Sunderland 13-Nov Helmsley 14-Nov Pocklington 15-Nov Sheffield 19-Nov Stroud 20-Nov Bridport 21-Nov Exeter 22-Nov Bude 25-Nov Newark 26-Nov Bakewell 27-Nov Chorley 28-Nov Liverpool 30-Nov Bristol 01-Dec Cardiff 04-Dec London 22ef8da7c7004137.jpeg Twenty Modern-Day Proverbs Ā  Fake news travels fast. Post in haste, regret immediately. Twoā€™s company, threeā€™s a crowdsourcing campaign. AI for an eye, an untruth for a truth. Beware of geeks bearing gifs. Caesarā€™s Wi-Fi must be above suspicion. A scrolling phone gathers no moss. Share and share and like. Donā€™t feed the troll that bites you. Empty influencers make the most noise. Every blog has its day. Blessed are the content creators. Thereā€™s a time and podcast for everything. Do not judge clickbait by its cover. A WhatsApp a day keeps your mother at bay. Allā€™s well that trends well. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;ā€Øteach a man to phish and you pheed him for a lifetime. Every cloud has a data centre. Spam tomorrow and spam yesterday ā€“ and always spam today. The end justifies the memes. Brian Bilston 01efa813d68b56e7.jpeg Tense Christmas I The Ghost of Christmas Past Perfect Progressive Midnight. Awoken by a ghost. I thought I must be raving. Heā€™d come to me so I could see how badly Iā€™d been behaving. II The Ghost of Christmas Present Perfect Simple Later still, a ghost again: with a much more recent scene. More evidence piling up of how unpleasant I have been. III The Ghost of Christmas Future Unreal Conditional Then, a final ghostly vision ā€“ but this one lacked the pain and strife. I saw if I could be a kinder man, I would create a better life. Brian Bilston 89c34bd99930b5fa.jpeg An Invention of Collective Nouns Ā  A reckoning of spreadsheets. A distraction of smartphones. A prattle of podcasts. A mispronunciation of scones. Ā  A clique of photographers. A heard of precedents. An enjambment of poets. A grope of presidents. Ā  A pile of haemorrhoids. A bunion of personal trainers. A bout of estimations. A condescension of mansplainers. Ā  A stroke of geniuses. A spot of adolescents. An embarrassment of Richards. A collection correction of pedants. Brian Bilston 782c08defd423807.jpeg To Be Pacific Why do you always go off on a tandem, say goodbye without further adieu? Itā€™s time you climbed down from your pedal stool ā€“ this is not a phrase youā€™re going through, Ā  when antidotal evidence suggests youā€™ve been three-wheeling right from the start. Or rather, from the gecko, as you might say. Youā€™re always upsetting the apple tart. Ā  Now Iā€™m not saying Iā€™m above approach: it takes two to tangle, I wonā€™t deny it. But when push comes to shovel and allā€™s set and done, I need rest bite. A little piece of quiet. Ā  Iā€™d love to curl up in the feeble position but you pass me from pillow to post, you see, with your Belgian whistles and semi-skilled milk ā€“ they do not pass mustard with me. Ā  I donā€™t regard you as a social leopard. Youā€™re no escape goat ā€“ just a hapless case. But do be aware there may be reaper cushions when you cut off your nose despite your face. Ā  Brian Bilston f67f246b2744fbe3.jpeg A poster for my Autumn 2026 Tour, ā€˜How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Insideā€™. It features me, my late cat and a list of my tour dates: 23-Sep Monmouth 24-Sep Aberystwyth 25-Sep Cardigan 26-Sep Winchester 27-Sep Guildford 30-Sep Harpenden 01-Oct Coventry 02-Oct Darwen 04-Oct Malton 07-Oct Croydon 08-Oct Deal 09-Oct Norwich 10-Oct Colchester 14-Oct Loughborough 15-Oct Manchester 16-Oct Ulverston 21-Oct Kidderminster 22-Oct Glasgow 23-Oct Aberdeen 24-Oct Stirling 28-Oct Stamford 29-Oct Bury St Edmonds 30-Oct Corsham 31-Oct Oxford 04-Nov Worthing 06-Nov Bellaghy 11-Nov Leeds 12-Nov Sunderland 13-Nov Helmsley 14-Nov Pocklington 15-Nov Sheffield 19-Nov Stroud 20-Nov Bridport 21-Nov Exeter 22-Nov Bude 25-Nov Newark 26-Nov Bakewell 27-Nov Chorley 28-Nov Liverpool 30-Nov Bristol 01-Dec Cardiff 04-Dec London 22ef8da7c7004137.jpeg This poem is written in the shape of a Christmas tree (well, most of it is) ā€¦ Needles I wrote a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree but then forgot to water it and only a few days later [but the words beyond this point are scattered around the bottom of the page, like needles which have fallen from a Xmas tree) there were words all over the carpet b45ed88c95587477.jpeg