chris martensit’s common to wonder how to make friends as an adult in the area where you live, but i’m curious about flipping this on it’s head: how and where would someone find you in a disposition open to making a friend? in what situations do you welcome an introduction to a stranger?
@jacquiharper@chrisamaphone@hci.social Can’t say we’ve moved into the friend categories you described yet, but I’m enjoying the dog park interactions a great deal.
1. My dog is expected to be there
2. Dress code is Expect Muddy Paws
3. Everyone else is there with a dog, so we can converse about each other’s dogs
4. Wildly diverse group of people — PhDs, teachers, mechanics, transit workers — who talk about dogs, not work
5. I leave the house because my dog reminds me his friends are waiting for him
Paul Fenwick@chrisamaphone@hci.social : I'm pretty focused on local community, so they big ones for me have been:
- Dropping off introduction letters to neighbouring letterboxes when I move somewhere, or when someone else moves in. These let my neighbours know who I am, where I live, what skills I have, and that I'm happy to lend a hand. I've made lots of friends this way.
- Community events. I'm lucky that our neighbourhood has working bees maintaining community gardens.
- LoRa mesh networking (YMMV).
chris martensthis isn’t at all rhetorical btw, i am wondering about specific answers for people reading this. in all likelihood you are the kinds of people i want to make friends with so this is pragmatic information
chris martens@pjf@cloudisland.nz I really like that neighbor letter idea!
Paul Fenwick@chrisamaphone@hci.social : It was especially good when I lived in an apartment, because in almost every case we all had the same property manager and often the same issues.
It was also great for meeting everyone's cats, because I'd make it clear in my letter that I was happy to cat-sit.
John Regehr@chrisamaphone@hci.social I feel like my headspace is normally too cluttered for me to make friends easily. during the last decade (leaving out people from work or online) I've made a few friends via outdoor activities, I suppose it's easier in that context because I'm not thinking about my usual stuff
John Regehr@chrisamaphone@hci.social on the other hand, I don't really consider someone a real friend unless they pass the 3am test ("would you call them at 3am without a second thought, and would they feel the same") and I don't think anyone I've met in the last decade falls into that category, even though I've met people during that time period who I like a lot
chris martens@regehr@mastodon.social yeah I feel like the kind of thing i’m thinking is more like “you’d go out of your way to show up for each others birthday parties”
John Regehr@chrisamaphone@hci.social maybe the 3 levels of friendship should be:
- would you go out of your way to go to their birthday party
- would you feel OK calling them at 3am
- would you feel OK calling them at 3am to ask them to help you hide a body
Dan Ports@regehr@mastodon.social @chrisamaphone@hci.social next question: which of these friendship levels require you to declare the person as a conflict on the ASPLOS PC?
chris martens@dan@discuss.systems @regehr@mastodon.social idk about asplos but I was definitely surprised that, when declaring conflicts for the popl paper i submitted last year, “we attended each other’s weddings” was vetoed as criteria!
Dan Ports@chrisamaphone@hci.social @regehr@mastodon.social one year one of the criteria was "would you invite this person to stay in your home?" which forced me to make a lot of difficult decisions about people in the ASPLOS community
Dan Ports@chrisamaphone@hci.social @regehr@mastodon.social but yeah, more generally I am surprised when sometimes "I know this person extremely well" or even "I have talked about the paper under review with this person" are explicitly not conflicts, and sometimes they are
John Regehr@dan@discuss.systems @chrisamaphone@hci.social the whole conflict thing is weird anyway, like are we just pretending I can't have a personal reason for loving or hating a paper just because I last collaborated with one of its authors more than 3 years ago?
Dan Ports@regehr@mastodon.social @chrisamaphone@hci.social there's also the ACM's conflict policy on "Notable personal or professional rivalry/animosity (publicly known or not)"...
John Regehr@dan@discuss.systems @chrisamaphone@hci.social "every rule exists because something happened"