Brutkey

Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

I also started getting more creative with my selfies in October. I felt much more comfortable with my face now and didn't feel as awkward trying things out.

Aaand I had this lil fedi crush that I handled in my usual super avoidant manner: After asking trees for help and revisiting my magical childhood, in the pic with the purple hoodie I'm on my way out to finish casting a spell that took several days, a question meant to force the universe to answer now already with what would be the eventual truth.

And it worked! What was the answer? It surprised me. 😇😇

Double mirror selfie. I'm wearing a large dark blue polo shirt and nothing else, glancing into the side mirror, making eye contact if you also look into it. Selfie from in front, me lying on my belly on my bed, resting me head on my left wrist on a bunched up, white blanket, looking into the camera and smiling with a patient anticipation, sunlight from the window catching in my messy hair. I'm leaning to the side against the back of the sofa I'm looking into your eyes. I'm not wearing a shirt but with the shadows nothing in particular is revealed. Selfie taken with mirror behind me, so that you can also see me from the side. I have a quite serious expression on my face. I'm wearing a purple hoodie.
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

November. My “ordinary” selfies this month were just surprise after surprise after surprise. How is this me!?

me looking into the camera with a serious expression, wearing a poncho on many colours, my hair is a mess selfie, me sitting in a sofa looking with a neutral expression at you, my hair very neatly framing my face. Selfie in sofa, wearing a yellow top, looking into the camera with a subtle smirk and lifted eyebrows, the hair tucked behind the ear on my right side. portrait selfie, me in a white and orange horisontally striped top
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

So I decided to just have fun! This is my face now and I can do what I want with it.

And actually having someone to talk to now made such a huge difference in so many ways. Especially when she's one of those few special people you're only ever going to meet a handful of. 🥰🥰

Anyway, that's November, after 15 months of HRT. Lots of puberty happening now, with a not insignificant amount of 40yo silliness on top.

me in makeup looking cutesy with toothbrush in mouth me in black exercise pants and a compression bra, and a thick black sweat band on my head making my hair stand on end and looking silly leaning forward towards to camera revealing some white bra cleavage, head turned to the side but my eyes looking into the camera, my mouth pursed
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

December! Sixteen months now, and I'm forced to start microdosing my estradiol to make supplies last longer.

I also had a crisis which cost me a lot of energy, but eventually resolved some pretty significant old trauma, at least sufficiently that I had to rewrite my rules for what's allowed into my life. Previously I only accepted my child and my transition to take space, but now I added rules that says I also need self-acceptance (for the full spectrum of my neurodivergence) and love.

Me from above, smiling and looking into the camera. I'm wearing a pink bralette and grey leggings, but it's mostly just my upper body that's visible. Full-body mirror selfie. I'm wearing tight blue jeans and a colourful tight top with a dog in sunglasses on it. There's also the Brazilian flag for some reason. Maybe it's connected to the football? Huh. Selfie in a big grey scarf, taken indoors but there's snow in my hair as I was just outside. Me in an open front grey and white hoodie with the hood up, under it a grey top. I'm smiling and looking very possible to hug according to myself.
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

January! 17 months. After the December crisis, I'm feeling much more myself and even freer now than before.

This transition really has been a long, continuous, heavy work dealing with all the layers of shame I'd wrapped myself up and mummified myself in. By now I'd been transitioning for over two years in total.

Still have to shave daily though. Ugh

Not looking very amused, lower half of my face covered in shaving foam. Looking silly and gay with my mouth open. A piece of yellow foam mattress on front of my forehead. Sticking my tongue out, right beside a mirror so there's two of me doing it, my hair held back by a thick black sweat band
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

(Still January) And things continued to happen…

It's astounding how this person was always there inside of me. I myself knew it! But you really couldn't see it from the outside. I never got to really try actually being like this before, so I was always a bit shaky on the details—but I did know. And now that I have what's needed to show up as myself, I've finally been able to prove to myself that I was right.

me on the sofa bed on my back under the green blanket, my curly dark hair spread out around my head, smiling slightly, holding my left hand on my neck. selfie, me with a bewildered expression holding my left hand to my cheek. three selfies of me lying on my back. 1. smiling softly and looking to the left 2. pursing the smile, still looking to the left 3. giving you an intense look Mirror selfie taken from below the chest, wearing a yellow shirt and blue jeans, head held high, smiling and looking down into the camera
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread (cw: mild nudity)

18 months! It's February! I'm switching from gel+cypro to injection monotherapy now, and the months of microdosing are over.

I'm still exploring this new way I look. It's like every emotion I try to express just shows up! I can feel a thing and when I look at myself feeling it it is visible!! I've never experienced this! It's like I've been in a hazmat suit my whole life but now it's gone.

I have so many emotions now. 😌😌

Closeup selfie with a closed mouth looking into the camera, and my hair in a bit very neat mid-part, kept behind the ears, where it starts to curl. Selfie, moving my hair out of my face with my left hand, looking into your eyes, my mouth is closed, my curly dark brown hair is fluffy and hangs almost to my shoulders, my top is striped white and red. me, naked, curled up in bed lying on my left side, looking at you, covering myself with my left arm and left leg It's just me with my makeup smudged from crying, holding my head in my hands, looking at the camera, calm.
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

And here I am in March, and since then I am again opening up, and I don't actually know to what this time, because it's too deep. But I'll get back to you in six months or so… ✨✨

Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

yay let's go! another six months!!

Here's March first. I tried to start running again but failed. Got misgendered a bunch too. Honestly I was quite tired a lot of the time, but still had some silliness in me.

I had switched to injections in mid-February and I stopped taking androcur in mid-March.

me unshaved on the floor in running gear me in a blue jacket with my eyes wide open and licking my upper lip me in a blue jacket on the leafless forest, looking glum me in a red, black, white and grey top, sticking my tongue out at you
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

April: 20 months of HRT.

Continuing to improve my makeup skills. I started a new work training programme! Worked at a cafe the first week and had to stuff my hair into this little cap while wearing a workplace uniform. That was really scary, because my gender presentation now had to rely entirely on makeup, voice and the way I moved, while I simultaneously started using the women's locker room.

But I made it! The staff at this place clearly had a strategy in place to make me feel safe. I only really got misgendered by three people (out of dozens and dozens of other programmes participants) and the staff meticulously corrected them each time, sometimes even inserting themselves into conversations just to gender me correctly in front of people who didn't "get it".

This was my first experience with meeting new people after fully transitioning socially 8 months earlier. The confidence boost I got was huge! 🥰🥰

selfie in my armchair, smiling happily, hair to the side, orange and white horisontally striped top selfie in makeup with my hair pulled back and wearing no shirt. looking serious very much enjoying this scarecrow dress selfie in the women's locker room, wearing my blue jacket and a nasty little black cap with a hair net (that you can't see from here). smiling happily!
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

May, 21 months. I turned 41 years old! There was work training, but now at a car wash. And I almost reached my pre-transition weight again, which unfortunately made most of my clothes impossible to wear.

millennial selfie (taken from above with me looking up at the camera). sitting in a chair, legs held together, wearing light blue jeans and a red and white striped top another millennial selfie, of me in a burgundy t-shirt and work pants, sitting in a sofa me outside in the summer, in a green dress with a red feather pattern around the neckline mirror selfie of me in a grey t-shirt and grey compression shorts.
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

June, 22 months. Had a close call and almost got evicted by the end of May, and the month that followed was pretty frustrating. Spent a lot of it in freeze mode with my mental health kind of deteriorating.

Out walking in the evening, smiling but looking a bit tired. Very well styled, sitting and holding my fingertips to my temple, smiling but with a clear frustration beneath the surface Mirror selfie in tight blir jeans and a yellow t-shirt with a blue pattern. Sweaty selfie in a yellow shirt, with orange/yellow nail polish.
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread (cw: implied nudity)

July, 23 months. Time's running out on dealing with the eviction thing—but I actually manage to fix it. ✌✌️

Slowly beginning to get into better shape again, with lots of walking and healthier eating. Feeling more playful again after replacing much of the impending doom with rest. (So much rest.)

No matter how little exercise I got, I always had a very muscular build. There are pictures from my yeti couch potato days, when all I ever did was eat unhealthy food and sit at the computer, and I still look really strong. It's just the way my body is, whether on testosterone or not. It's been stressful because of the dysphoria—but this month was when HRT had finally changed me enough that I could begin appreciating it.

This is actually the first time I've been able to appreciate my own body at all, ever!

Double mirror selfie! To the right is my back, butt and legs, wearing a grey tight t-shirt and black tight shorts. To the left is my face and my upper body seen from in front of it through another mirror. Sitting on a white sheet and looking up at the camera right above my head, totally undressed, my left hand and my chin covering my chest, sticking out my tongue so that it obscures my crotch. What you actually see in this picture is thighs, left arm, face and tongue. Colourfully filtered picture of me looking down at you with an expression like I'm examining you, my hair floofed up in circular curls mirror selfie. I'm looking at my phone. I'm wearing blue pants and a yellow top with a messy blue and turquoise print.
Jasmine running
@jasmine@chaosfem.tw
transition selfies thread

August, 2 years! I started walking for several hours per day, for both my mental and physical health.

There are so many mornings now when I wake up, put on my old worn out glasses, go to the bathroom and see a girl in the mirror. It's so joyful! Even if it's still sometimes confusing after so many years thinking that this was impossible. It clearly isn't though. 🥰🥰

selfie indoors, wearing a hoodie with a zipper selfie on a dirt road through the forest, slate grey dress and red bag mirror selfie, light grey t-shirt tucked into light blue boot cut jeans, right arm held in front of my tummy, leaning back a bit and putting more weight on my left hip, head tilted to the right with a serious expression selfie without makeup and with a visible facial hair shadow. wearing my crappy old worn out glasses. smiling!