Notes | Brutkey

I once stole all four wheeltrims from a car, showing off to mates. Threw them in a nearby bush. Woke the next day, remembered, felt guilty, retrieved them and put them back. Gangsta.

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole@mastodon.social

School design teacher here. After years of binning kids projects that they couldn't be bothered to take home, I changed all of the dimensions of the specifications so that they'd fit perfectly into my log burner. School bins empty, my heating bills low. Win, win.

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@fesshole@mastodon.social

Went to a new barber years back. She asked what I did for work. Told her I was a plant fitter. She then spends the rest of our time together telling me how much she loves gardening. I fix JCBs, I do not plant flowers. Didn't have the heart to tell her.

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole@mastodon.social

I work in IT. My job is based on logic, reasoning and rational thinking. Whenever I pick up my Click and Collect order from Morrisons, I always park in Bay B because I once saw someone broken down in Bay A so that space is clearly cursed.

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@fesshole@mastodon.social

I worked on environmental health for a bit. You probably don't want to eat in takeaway that doesn't have their hygiene certificate in an easy to view place because it's probably a 1-2 and you'll get the shits

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@fesshole@mastodon.social

A colleague mentioned buying new lingerie bags this weekend. I asked what they were. And that is how I found out that I should be washing my bras.

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@fesshole@mastodon.social

Got really mad at my wife when she came to pick me up from the pub in my car instead of hers. Had to pretend it I was because I was low on petrol. Truth is I'd been waiting months for the odometer to reach 80,085 miles, but she took it over. Furious.

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole@mastodon.social

When I was a kid, I overheard one of my dad's mates referring to him as a "lady killer". I spent the rest of my of my childhood worrying that my dad was a serial killer, expecting him to be taken away every time I heard a police siren.

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole@mastodon.social

I always pee in the shower. It's convenient and saves time. Except I've done it for so long that now I connect being in the shower with needing to pee. So every time I'm staying with my boyfriend and we shower together, I'm just thinking "don't pee, don't pee, don't pee".

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole@mastodon.social

If I'm out and about and a stranger asks me to take a photo of them I always take a cheesey grin selfie on the sly first too so they can laugh at the silliness of it or use it to remember the kind stranger that I was to them