Fesshole 🧻
Fesshole 🧻The Co-op self service checkout refused to sell me a Bounty Bar yesterday. The assistant tried 5 times and it wouldn't take it. Complaining here because I can't complain to the wife, she'd find out I sneak a chocolate bar whenever I go the the shops.
Fesshole 🧻When I was about 16 or so I went to a comedy hypnotism show and got up to be a volunteer. I don't think I was hypnotised. I danced like a ballerina & did the stuff he said, I'd been hiding my extroverted side my whole life. I decided not to hide anymore
Fesshole 🧻At my nan's funeral, one of my sister's freinds gave me a hug. I fancied her big time, she looked amazing & I got an instant hard on. There was a big crowd there, so the only choice was to stand by nan's open coffin, look at her corpse until my erection subsided
Fesshole 🧻Adopted a cat and he went missing after six months, so adopted a second who went missing after three months. Went to a different rescue centre out of shame and adopted a third. Then the old lady down the street went into care & the first two turned up so now I have three cats.
Fesshole 🧻I struggle to remember how to spell some quite basic words. Solution was to put the word into my work computer password. Six weeks of typing "their"instead of "thier" soon gets it sorted. Don't do it anymore as I've now conkured the English language.
Fesshole 🧻If there is a party or event coming up I buy nice clothes for me and the kids, wear them, luckily the kids aren't messy kids, and then send them back for a full refund. You can carefully take out tags and put them back in easily.
Fesshole 🧻I work in retail and it's generally shit. However the highlight of my week is locking the doors at 4pm on Sunday and then watching all the wankers trying to get in. Pure gold.
Fesshole 🧻I buy autobiographies from charity shops, 'sign' them after googling authors autographs, then donate them to charity shops in other towns. Thatcher my best result yet, bought for £1.50 unsigned, priced at £95 when 'signed'. I'm Robin Hood with a biro.
Fesshole 🧻I always volunteer to start leaving collections for colleagues I don't like. Everyone assumes you'll top it off at the end and I can safely get away with contributing nothing.
Fesshole 🧻My wife walked in on me scratching my itchy sweaty balls while I was reading a post about Cristiano Ronaldo with his picture on the screen. Now she has completely the wrong idea.