Brutkey

Poloniousmonk
@Uair@autistics.life

@yaelwrites@mastodon.social

Sure! Thanks for asking!

As a kid, I grew so fast my hips have stretch marks like pregnant women get. I'm EDS and have very loose joints, so for a couple years in elementary school my knees would dislocate at the drop of a hat. I always immediately put them back in and so I don't have problems with them now. I'm Gen X. We solved our own problems.

When I was 20, I was car crashed into an oncoming when we were both doing at least 50mph. I was in a Geo Tracker, the least safe vehicle on the road. The seat belt snapped my collar bone and I broke the steering wheel with the fleshy part of my nose. It took a plastic surgeon 270 stitches to rebuild my nose. That wasn't the worst of it, tho. I had a subdural hematoma in my verbal centers. When it rebled, I lost my words. I'm hyperlexical and started reading Stephen King at age seven, so this was exceptionally brutal for me. The doctors pointed at my mom and asked who she was and I said, "jump". Not even a noun. It fixed itself about ten minutes before they drilled my skull. I know a woman who had one so I can say that childbirth is an 8 on the 1-10 pain scale. I'd rank a dislocated knee about there. Popping a dislocated knee back over the cup and into its proper place is a nine. And a rebleed of an SDH is an eleven. I hyperventilated so bad every skeletal muscle cramped at once and I didn't even feel that. I was in the fire-victim pose because all my muscles were locked.

Five years later I fell off a ladder and staved in the side of my chest. I'm funny. I also got the wind knocked out of me pretty bad, so I told my coworker to call an ambo. When I got my wind back, I worried I'd just been an asshole, calling an ambo for having the wind knocked out. When they helicoptered me to the trauma ward I figured I probably made the right decision. By that point, I was so accustomed to trauma that I lied to 'em and pretended to be all scared, wanting my friend with me. We were poor kids. How often do you get a chance to ride in a helicopter? I'd been joking with the dude until the ambo arrived and things got serious. There's so little extra space in those helicopters that the paramedic can't be over 5'6". He had to stay home.

At 45, they finally got me. The cops fuck with the streetlights to cause crashes and get people hit. I got slammed by a speeding drunk driver in an SUV. I'm like a stunt man, though. I presented flat against the bumper, which hit me in the lumbar region but I didn't torsion so I didn't end up with any nerve damage. I did a feet-first superman and came down on my shoulder blades hard enough to break a bunch of shit there, too. I knew it wasn't the fault of the kid driving, so I told her to get out of there before she got jammed up with the law. Three days later I went for imaging--multiple fractures of multiple vertebrate at both impact points. Minimum of 2^3 breaks in my spine. I just sat still in a chair for a couple months and self-healed it. Like I said, Gen X. We were all latch key kids. We learned to be self-sufficient. I lost an inch and a half of height on that one.

Oh, and Mossad teamed up with the CIA to leave me unconscious on a sheet of ice when they figured out I'm an incorrigible liberal and would never be any use to them. I'm pretty hard to kill, tho. You basically have to use a bullet. Nothing pretending to be an accident, or my own fault, is going to work. I'm kinda legendary in some elite circles. Don't fuck with autistic people. We may be socially awkward, but most of us are hard as a coffin nail.