Faith 🧋
:v_tg: :v_lb: :v_greyace:@faithisleaping@anarres.family
IDK what all is going on right now but I'm going through a lot at the moment. One of those things is this weird shift in my self-perception and, I think, the way I move through the world.
Growing into a woman is a disorienting experience. For cis girls, there's a point at which people stop perceiving them at little girls and start to see them as young women. It's not instantaneous. There's not one particular day when you can say "today she's a woman but yesterday she was a girl." Several cultures have ceremonies to that effect but it's always a made up distinction. Instead, it happens over the course of a year or two. And it's not just the way other people perceive you, either. Your clothes start to fit differently, your body looks, acts, and smells different. You experiment with different ways of presenting. While it can be fun and exciting, for many those years are also really confusing and often traumatic. Or at least that's what I've been told...
I think I'm going through something similar. I see a girl in the mirror most days now. Even when I see my full body, it reads as feminine to me. And not just that, but a mature sort of feminine. I'm growing into a woman. As much as I've dreamed of this and wanted it and worked so hard for it, now that it's happening, it's really kinda disorienting. Like, who is this person? Who's body is this that I'm now inhabiting? I like it but wow...
And it's not just physical, either. My whole demeanor has changed since a few years ago and I think others are starting to pick up on it. I had a random stranger ask if I was single on the street the other day. For all I know it was on a bet but, still, the street was crowded and he had to pick someone. It wouldn't have happened if he hadn't seen me and thought I was a datable. Some of my male co-workers open doors for me. The women I work with treat me as one of their own.
I'm starting to realize that some of the problems I experience at work are gender related, too. I'm not sure if I want to say it's really sexism but it's definitely a case of a woman in a world of men. And I just don't have the patience for the bullshit.
It's all... Strange. Disorienting. I find myself dissociating in new ways because it's all so unfamiliar to me.
I knew this day would come. In fact, I would daydream about it pre-transition. But now that is here... IDK. It kinda sucks, actually. Not that I'm having regrets or anything. I'm not. But it's hard to even know what's going on, much less to navigate it.
And at the same time as all this, Ashley seems to be stirring again. I don't know for sure, but they feel like they could be related. Maybe it's the lack of sleep talking but I feel like on the verge of something big again. What? I'm not sure. I can just feel something bubbling up from deep in my subconscious and I'm bracing myself for it.
Anyway, that's all I've got. No conclusions today, I'm afraid. Just a lot of vague feelings that I can't really put into words. 🤷🏻♀️
