Sophie@sophiesometimes@anarres.family
In the early Christian church, during the years surrounding the formal co-optation of the church by the Empire and all of the horrible things that entailed in time, groups of women and men went to the desert for seclusion. To find God. To find themselves. The Desert Mothers and Fathers, along with the various Saints who cared for the poor and mystics who spoke of a love that never failed, are the one tenuous strand I still have to the faith I came upon over thirty years ago. A faith that both served as a means of coping with a dysphoria that I did not know I had and could not have addressed even if I did, and a prison that held me in denial for far longer than I would have stayed otherwise.
But the desert still beckons to me. To leave the familiar and the confining and to find myself in the solitude. In the sublime beauty in the midst of a seemingly lifeless place.
I went to the desert this weekend. Both literally and metaphorically. I drove from LA to Denver, by way of Phoenix, Gallup, Albuquerque, and Santa Fe. Officially to help my oldest kid formally close a chapter of his life in Colorado by bringing his belongings home with us as he prepares for graduate school in Europe. But also as a means of making sure that I can really do it. That I can really be Sophie in all of my fullness.
Because in August, I too, will be going to grad school in Europe.
I needed to know that I was ready.
And in the desert, I found myself. I spent the weekend fully embracing my femininity. I received more than a few compliments from women about my outfits. I didn't have to switch back and forth between my "in between" voice that I generally use when I'm lazy or speaking with family members who I'm trying to bring along slowly. And I spent Saturday at Pride in Denver, with a lovely group of both existing and new friends, just being a girl doing girl things with other girls. Something that I had desperately wanted since I was four, but which was now suddenly happening.
Today I did all the responsible mom things helping my kid. But I did them in my cutest lesbian mom outfit. Completely comfortable in my own skin for the first time ever. The desert has changed me. Or more precisely, I have changed so much that my trip to the desert revealed to me exactly how much.
Tomorrow we start the 18-hour(ish) journey back to LA, over two days. And then I will get back to a month of giving away or putting in storage my old life, before I begin a new one. But unlike before this weekend, I know I'm ready. I'm so much stronger than I have ever been. I'm so much less afraid. I'm suddenly excited about being social and making new friends and doing all of the things it takes to create a life in a completely new country. I'm Sophie, in all of her fullness.