Fesshole 🧻
Fesshole 🧻I have accidentally adopted a bull. Or perhaps he adopted me. My property has a bit of land and one day a random bull turned up on there. I asked all the local farmers and nobody was missing a bull. Guess he's mine now. I named him Kevin, after the Home Alone kid.
Fesshole 🧻Teenage son being a wanker and usual "I must have been adopted" comments. I replied that if you'd been adopted we'd have sent you back years ago for being a cunt, shut him up but can't help thinking our relationship is damaged.
Fesshole 🧻After being fed up of streaming music I went to a music shop and spent like £50 on physical albums. Got home and realised my laptop has no disc drive and I have literally nothing else to play them on. What a twat.
Fesshole 🧻When I have a load of data entry to complete I put on loud techno and pretend I'm helping the team from the film "Hackers" to hack the planet
Fesshole 🧻I know our cleaner's exact weight - 50.3 kg this week. She weighs herself every week on our smart scales. Presumably she has no idea her reading then pops up on my phone.
Fesshole 🧻When my daughter married her husband, he made a speech it was heart felt and at the end he asked could he call me Mum, we appalled and I said yes, later I asked him not to call me Mum as it's weird. My daughter heard this, it's been 15 years since I saw them. I regret everything.
Fesshole 🧻I love popping a fun sized Mars bar into my tea instead of dunking a biscuit. Some dissolves and sweetens the tea. Some can be spooned up at the end. It's the breakfast you know you need on a Monday.
Fesshole 🧻I am well aware that, if there was a fire in our home and my wife had to choose between saving me and saving the dog, she'd choose the dog. But that's OK - I'd choose the dog over her too. We both really fucking love that dog.
Fesshole 🧻I was asked to make a lamb cake for Easter. I assumed it was a Spring version of a pork cake, so I bought lamb mince and suet and baked them into a fruit cake. Apparently they wanted a sponge cake in the shape of a lamb, with decoration. Tasted lovely, though.
Fesshole 🧻At the end of last year I opened up my Spotify stats and found out I had a video from a slightly alarmed looking Adam Clayton from U2 thanking me for being a top 1% fan. I'm so sorry, nice bass guitar man. My dog loves U2, I just put you on to calm him down when he's scared.