Notes | Brutkey

alina🐾

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@alina@girldick.gay

it feels like i'm imploding

@alina@girldick.gay

@SleepyCatten@cultofshiv.wtf huh? my employer is Amazon Web Services, that's public knowledge by now :p

@alina@girldick.gay

@SleepyCatten@cultofshiv.wtf like i completely dox myself by hosting my CV online at https://cv.alina.cx

@alina@girldick.gay

heck i just found out that a certain niche internet micro celebrity who inspired me to become a hacker many years ago works at my company as a principal security engineer huhhhh

@alina@girldick.gay

my local Rewe's monster assortment

i will now make an investment that should last me a few months since they're 50% kff

lots and lots of colorful monster cans sorted by flavor in a grocery store

@alina@girldick.gay

follow me for more dating tips

a signal conversation:

them: "Often you can't know if someone is interested in you before you start flirting with them"

me: "how do i flirt ;~;"
"do i just infodump them about the ipv6 RFCs that i implemented in pure nix?"

@alina@girldick.gay

nudes/lewds, boobs tummy butt :3 :boost_request:

hello fediverse i must once again remind you that i literally look this fucking hot, develop internet infrastructure and operating systems and am still single. curious

alina showing off her soft tummy, pretty boobs and wide hips

alina squishing her shark between her thighs

@alina@girldick.gay

NixOS now has documentation, read here to find out more:

https://transfemscience.org/articles/transfem-intro/

@alina@girldick.gay

vent about all of my trauma, long, abuse

i've been raped by 19 people, was homeless before, had to endure decades of sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse by my entire family. i was close too dying more times than i can count, and my brain regularly tortures me by spiraling into insanity, hurting me and those who care about me. there have been times were i still got beaten up almost every day and had stones thrown at me, times where i wasn't allowed to leave an autism conversion psychiatry for 2 whole years, times where i didn't have enough money to afford food, times where i didn't know how to do anything at all because i had to basically raise myself almost entirely by researching everything on the internet and forming my own view of the world (and spending 8 hours a day on twitter). i had to be an adult from the day my parents realized that i would never become like the person they wanted to me to be - which, to be honest, wasn't a person at all, just an extension of their personality. they abandoned me emotionally and did the bare minimum to keep me alive, while relieving themselves off their anger and pain by screaming at me or physically hurting me day by day.

i finally ran away when i was 17, to the great unknown of Berlin. i met awesome people, who helped me lots and showed me that i am not a mistake, that i am worth keeping around, and that i am good enough.

yet without even realizing it, the vulnerabilities that had been implanted into my subconsciousness through the many, many times i had been abused, made me more vulnerable than ever to said abuse. i thought i got the chance to recovery, so i let my guard down, but not even a few months later i found myself stuck in another abusive relationship with someone way older than me who regularly raped me, who i was dependent on, who pressured me into staying with them. so i ran away from them too, but that did just about nothing. i arrived in karlsruhe and it started from anew; again and again and again i got sucked into abusive relationships, some with people who actively search for vulnerable young queers to abuse, others with people who simply don't know how to handle their own emotions and trauma and kept me trapped in their abuse (presumably) by accident.

through all of this, i never gave up my hope, i always fought with everything i had and the best i could. but lately, my hope is starting to fade away.

in these (in 11 days) 2 full decades that i have survived and struggled and suffered, i had always had a reason to live on and to move forward. first it was graduating from school and being able to flee from my parents, then It was finding a new social circle from scratch, then it was getting a job... and now i have all of that, yet i still feel like shit? i don't have to worry about being able to afford food anymore, i even found a few friends that i can trust. yet my broken brain continues to make me go through hell, as if every single day was still spent in the battlefield of abuse. it is a pain of such a magnitude that i cannot even begin to describe it, even though i am certainly more privileged than other people who at least look happier than me.

i don't have any attainable goal to work towards, i don't know what i need to do to find peace and happiness. but maybe happiness is just impossible to ask after everything that happened, and i should be grateful for the things i have.

the saddest thing is that screaming for help will not even do me any good, in fact, it will make things worse. everyone also is suffering too, no one has the resources to help me. and being negative like this around my friends will only make them sad, so i try to suppress it whenever i can.

@alina@girldick.gay

TOUT LE MONDE DÉTESTE LA POLICE

@alina@girldick.gay

lewd, nsfl, long

did i already tell you the story of when i got off to a full moon once after i accidentally engulfed myself (and the entire camping place) in a ball of flames twice in a row, survived without a scratch and lit a joint out of "i don't know what the hell just happened here" ? :3

i just wanted to burn all the stuff i had left over from school before i would run away from my parents when i was 17, so i grabbed 2 litres of highly flamable isopropanol and splurted some of it over the pile of documents (and 36x the constitution of Germany because they are free to order online and was bored but they only took away space)

i bent over the pile, held my lighter to the isopropanol,,,

a second later- BOOM I'M ENGULFED IN FLAMES HOLY FUCK WHAT IS HAPPENING

but the flames didn't stick to my clothes, so i didn't burn to death

i was so full of adrenaline after that shock that i decided to just keep going

i would put a little more into the flames, and the flame would burst and grow in amber

it was soo fun, so satisfying, to just put a littlee more in

and a little bit more

at that point i was pressing down on the bottle with full force which caused the stream coming out of it to catch fire! :)

BOOM I'M IN FLAMES AGAIN, THE BOTTLE EXPLODED IN MY HAND AND EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE

but the flames didn't stick to my clothes - again - only to everything around me including my backpack which held my ex boyfriend's 3k€ thinkpad so i jumped through the flames while trying not to die, grabbed my backpack and dragged it through the wet grass until the flames were gone

i feel like at this point it might be obvious, but i was very drunk and didn't have any means to extinguish the fire that luckily 'only' covered like 20m² which were grounded with bricks so it couldn't jump onto the (wet) grass

i was alone, 17 years old at that point (October 2023), it was 3am, and i couldn't leave this camping site burning as it was because it might catch onto other things

so i did what any normal person would do

i rolled a joint, sat down next to it and tried to relax and calm down

the full moon was really bright so i had a nice view of everything

no one was around because i was practically in a forest

i needed something to do, but fedi was asleep, so i unzipped my pants and started masturbating to the full moon agdksfaudksydhwiwsgw >///<

truly one of the most memorable nights of my life