Brutkey

Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop
Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop

#silentSunday

A mourning dove is holding a winding sprig of plant stuff, maybe the skeleton from a leaf? They look bright eyed and pleased with their find, like a Labrador with a ball. They are perched on a fence with way too much chicken wire curling in all directions.
Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop

The sun got a goldfinch, too.

A small yellow bird is perching on a post and appearing to swoon backyards. His feathers, especially his belly feathers, are so puffy as to make him largely spherical. He is either blissful or about to faint.
Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop

House finch soaking up the sun.

A small brown bird is stretching up their head and puffing out all their feathers as if to let more sunbeams in. They are shaped like a plump vase. Their head and chest are scattered with red feathers, highest density at the throat.
Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop

Molting birds make me giggly with their scruffiness. This poor grosbeak, usually the height of style with black waistcoat and red cravat, reduced to this!

A grosbeak is hunching over a fence while he cracks a sunflower seed. He appears to have been gently gnawed by moths. His head to tail black feathers are patchy and flecked with random white. His tail is missing about half its length. His white belly is sooty and ruffled, and the usual patch of red at his throat is pale. He is not at his best.
Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop
Weird physical stuff 3

I was still crazy. The essence of the feeling was that I was fundamentally untrustworthy. I was an imposter to competence, someone who could never quite get it together. ADHD diagnosis helped, and so did the focus meds. You see, the better you can focus, the better you can ignore pain. But I kept being unreliable from what I thought of as emotional exhaustion. Spoiler: it wasn't emotional.

Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop
Weird physical stuff 4

Because of the hyper mobility, every time I exerted myself, I overstrained every involved ligament and tendon. It was like a background static in my head. I know now it was pain because of the way I moved: fast, like I was tossing a hot potato from hand to hand. I know now that crying panic attacks when required to move with slow awareness were a sign that moving hurt, and focusing on the pain was distressing.

Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop
Weird physical stuff 2

All my life, I have hurt myself when I move. This is a big hand wave, but because nothing whatsoever appeared to be wrong with me according to doctors, everyone, me included, explained and even processed the physical pain as emotional distress. Mood swings. Depression. Suicidal ideation. I had so many years of therapy, and they were a huge help in managing my rollercoaster brain. The psych meds helped, too.

Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop
Weird physical stuff 3

I was still crazy. The essence of the feeling was that I was fundamentally untrustworthy. I was an imposter to competence, someone who could never quite get it together. ADHD diagnosis helped, and so did the focus meds. You see, the better you can focus, the better you can ignore pain. But I kept being unreliable from what I thought of as emotional exhaustion. Spoiler: it wasn't emotional.

Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop
Weird physical stuff 1

Background: I am physically disabled. I had a slipped rib digging into my intercostal nerve for a year plus. Surgery to remove the rib saved my life in 2020. After surgery I could eat without horrible pain and nausea, but I have wild pain when I physically exert myself at all. I got a hyper mobile EDS diagnosis, which has led me to my current theory:

It is the way I am moving, not just the fact I am moving, that hurts me.

Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop
Weird physical stuff 2

All my life, I have hurt myself when I move. This is a big hand wave, but because nothing whatsoever appeared to be wrong with me according to doctors, everyone, me included, explained and even processed the physical pain as emotional distress. Mood swings. Depression. Suicidal ideation. I had so many years of therapy, and they were a huge help in managing my rollercoaster brain. The psych meds helped, too.

Alex Haist
@alexhaist@wandering.shop
Weird physical stuff 1

Background: I am physically disabled. I had a slipped rib digging into my intercostal nerve for a year plus. Surgery to remove the rib saved my life in 2020. After surgery I could eat without horrible pain and nausea, but I have wild pain when I physically exert myself at all. I got a hyper mobile EDS diagnosis, which has led me to my current theory:

It is the way I am moving, not just the fact I am moving, that hurts me.