Brutkey

David Penfold :verified:
@davep@infosec.exchange

How did King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan crisp and even.

#oldjoke

David Penfold :verified:
@davep@infosec.exchange

Teacher: How much is a gramme?

Johnny: Dunno, depends what yer buying.

David Penfold :verified:
@davep@infosec.exchange

I love eye jokes.

The cornea the better.

#dadjokes

David Penfold :verified:
@davep@infosec.exchange

No sheepdogs in the park today. Then I remembered it's a ban collie day.

#sorrynotsorry

David Penfold :verified:
@davep@infosec.exchange

Cyclops: "How do you spell Hawaii?"

Wife: "Well you need two i's"

Cyclops: (Puts pen down) "My life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda".

David Penfold :verified:
@davep@infosec.exchange

I grilled a chicken for half an hour yesterday.

It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

David Penfold :verified:
@davep@infosec.exchange

I categorically refuse to believe there is a word to describe the thickness of tights.

David Penfold :verified:
@davep@infosec.exchange

I used to be able to make people laugh in meetings but it's just not the same on Teams or Zoom.

I guess I'm just not remotely funny.

David Penfold :verified:
@davep@infosec.exchange

As a traditional musician living in the west of Scotland, I’m privileged in that it allows me to meet lots of people. In particular, being a piper, I regularly get invited to some very special family events. Some are happy events - I have played at numerous weddings - but I also regularly have to play at sad events - a piper at a funeral is traditional in these parts.

I was approached by a funeral director, asking me if I’d play at a very small funeral. It was an old farm worker who had passed away, on an island in Argyll, just across the water from here. He had no family, and very few close friends. He had two last requests - to be buried on the land he had worked, and for a piper to play at his graveside.

The landowner was agreeable, and the burial was arranged.

To my shame, I screwed up. I had planned to be there in good time, but missed the ferry. I arrived on the next ferry, already late, then got lost. It's that “guy thing” - too proud to ask for directions. I was sure I knew where I was going, but obviously I didn’t.

Can’t believe it - it’s the first time in my live that I’ve screwed up an appointment like this. And I’m lost.

Eventually, driving down a single track road, I saw it. There was a small gathering of people, over at the far side of a field. I parked the car, grabbed my pipes, and ran across.

I was too late. It was all over. The few guests and the funeral cars were gone. All that was left was four workmen, who had already started to fill in the hole. They had stopped for a break, and were sitting at the edge of the field, drinking tea from a flask and eating sandwiches. They looked on me with scorn, as I ran across in full highland dress. I was embarrassed and ashamed - didn’t know what to say.

There was only one thing to do. I took my pipes out of the box, stood at the graveside, and started playing.

And the most incredible thing happened. As I played “Amazing Grace”, the grey sky started to clear, and a beam of sunshine broke through, lighting up the loch below us. It was the most beautiful sight I have seen. The 4 workmen put down their sandwiches and joined me, standing beside the hole in respect.

I began to play “Highland Cathedral”. The workers took off their caps, and held them in their dirty hands, heads bowed, in a mark of silent respect. I could only think of for the old farmer who had worked this land all his life and how I had let him down.

And then I played “The Flowers of the Forest” - a tune that is only ever played at funerals or remembrance services. The workers were visibly moved, and I think even the foreman had a tear in his eye.

I stopped playing, stood in silence for a minute, then turned round and started packing up my pipes. The men ate the last of their sandwiches and went back to work, filling in the hole and replacing the turf.

As I made to leave, the old foreman came over and spoke to me. “That was beautiful”, he said. “Very moving. I can honestly say that I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life. And I’ve been fitting septic tanks for 30 years..."

David Penfold :verified:
@davep@infosec.exchange

Hiking in the Himilayas I was seized upon by a large, bipedal ape-like creature who was covered with white hair and he made me do sit-ups for five hours straight. It was The Abdominal Snowman.